The writing team that brought you "THE REAPER AND MISTER JENKINS," namely Schmerg_The_Impaler and Emily_The_Poet, have a marvelous new story written in Round Robin format!
MAD TIMES IN MEXICO
By Schmerg_The_Impaler and Emily_The_Poet
Gummy Bear, the professional wrestler, was in a bit of a pickle.
"Honey," he shouted to his wife, "where's my magical belt?"
"Oh, you mean the one the nice men from the Not At All Sinister Dry Cleaners' Service just took out?" his wife called through the bathroom door.
Gummy Bear pounded his head against the wall. "Dear, that does not need to be dry-cleaned. It's made of magical metal. Whoever those men were, they weren't dry cleaners."
"Oh," said his wife, Choochi Face, "Well how was I supposed to know? They gave me a nice flier if you want to see it." She was quite obviously ruffled. The thought of something being stolen from right under her nose!
"Don't look now, Choochi Face," said Gummy Bear grimly, "But I think they stole your mustache, too."
"What, from right under my nose?" she gasped.
He smacked himself in the head again at this bad pun. Being a professional wrestler, Gummy Bear had learned to enjoy pain, which was probably not great for his mental health.
"Well, what are we gonna do?" he asked, hitching up his tights which, without his magical belt, were in great danger of becoming friendly with the floor.
"Run off and join the Orphan circus?" guessed Choochi.
Gummy Bear stared at her for a moment, then exclaimed, "What a wonderful idea!"
So they packed their bags and (in Gummy Bear's case) duct-taped their tights to their waists and went about booking a flight.
Little did they know that the Orphan Circus was run by four sinister men in bowler hats who liked to pretend they were dry cleaners...
Meanwhile, in Mexico...
A man named Jose was running off with his wife's boyfriend's sister who happened to be his 2nd cousin twice removed, but that wasn't part of the story. What was part of the story was the gathering of four sinister men in bowler hats who liked to pretend they were dry cleaners.
They had met four lives ago in the ancient city of Tenochtitlan on the fated night of horrors and had met again recently in a pub that sold very good pina coladas.
Their names were Big Pedro, Old Pedro, Clever Pedro, and, curiously, Ramses Johnson, and they sat around the table on their fifth pina colada, talking shop.
"So I spent fifty dollars for these pumps," said Big Pedro.
No. I'm sorry, the Department of Good Taste has informed me that this story is pushing the limit of puns-to-other-words ratio, buddy, so I shall have to stick to something else.
"So how many magical pieces of clothing did we steal today, total?" asked Clever Pedro, wiping off his clown makeup. The audience at that day's circus had been particularly brutal, which was why mashed
tomato and banana also came off with his white face paint.
Old Pedro drooled a little in response and made an odd snorting noise that may have been the word 'Frances.'
The other Pedros (and Ramses) looked at him for a moment.
"It's a good thing you're cute!' said Ramses.
Ramses was intolerably flamboyant. Once he dressed up as Ariel the Little Mermaid for Halloween and insisted upon singing her songs all night long in his beautiful soprano.
But the Pedros kept him around because he was, surprisingly, the evilest of the group, and generally the one who came up with their nefarious schemes.
"We have the pro-wrestler's magical belt that gives its wearer the powers of Super Strength," he stated, adjusting his lilac bowler hat, "we have the Pantyhose of Power that allow its wearer to possess the minds of others, we have the Laser Vision Sunglasses, the Nose Ring To Rule Them All, the socks that make you fly, and some creepy woman's mustache." He snickered evilly and passed around a bag of Scooby-Doo Fruit Snacks, the food of evil.
The others began to practice their evil laughs until, quite suddenly, a man with duct-taped tights and a woman with a recently anti-mustached upper lip entered the bar.
"We want to enter the orphan circus as trapeze artists!" exclaimed Gummy Bear.
The men (?) quickly hid their fruit snacks under the table with much rustling of wrappers (Fruit snacks are a dead giveaway of innate evilness) and disguised their evil laughs seamlessly as the humming of songs from "The Little Mermaid."
"Is that so?" said Big Pedro, the most intimidating of the group.
"Yes, some evil men in bowler hats stole our things, and we rationally decided it was the only sensible thing to do," Choochi explained as the Pedros and Ramses quickly hid their bowler hats behind their backs, having the kind of poised rationality that can only manifest itself after one's fourth pina colada.
Clever Pedro went over to inspect the new recruits as the other three hastily hid the magical clothing attire.
"I think they are perfect!" He said after everything was hidden in the secret safe.
"And oh yeah," whispered Gummy Bear cunningly, "We've got this plan, see, to try and recover my belt. You look like upstanding young gents... well, sitting down young gents, but maybe you lads could give us a hand, eh?" He nudged them in the ribs.
Old Pedro was wheezing loudly, overwhelmed by the clouds of irony polluting the air.
"Why suuuure, Gentlemen," said Ramses, suddenly adopting a southern drawl.
South of the border to be exact.
"Now, for your audition, you must sing 'I'm a Little Teapot' while performing death-defying acrobatics on yonder chandelier!"
The dozens of people in the bar excitedly turned to watch said spectacle.
Gummi Bear visibly gulped, but leapt to his task. He climbed the chandelier and began to swing.
However, before he could make his move, a sinister figure dropped from the sky!
it was Ramses best informant and spy! A shady (and flat as a pancake) character by the name of Nosferatu.
"Nosferatu!" Ramses jumped to his feet. "W-w-whaa... did you get hit by a truck or something? You're as flat as a pancake!"
The informant peeled himself up off of the ground with a spatula. "Dropping from the sky is no easy business," he replied in a shady sort of voice, hitching up the collar on his black trench coat. His beady little eyes darted behind his sunglasses. "What are they doing here?" he asked, pointing to the pro wrestler and his wife.
And then, by some stroke of a miracle, Choochi Face's brain put two and two together. It showed itself in the form of a light bulb going off over her head.
"Oh my gosh!" she exclaimed, staring at Nosferatu. "I remember you! You were Gummy Bear's old college room-mate!" She pointed at Ramses. "And you... good gracious! You're Nosferatu's fiancée, Ramona, aren't you?" She rubbed her upper lip. "I thought that mustache of yours looked false... and strangely familiar... what exactly is going on here?"
Ramses... er... Ramona... got to his/her feet dramatically, ripping off the mustache and letting long tresses of wavy black hair tumble out from under... its lilac bowler hat. "Yes, I'm a woman!" she (yes, she) shrieked. "And I can't believe those Pedros never figured it out, even you, Clever Pedro! I tried being accepted in the criminal underworld, but no one takes women seriously! Plus, if I wanted to be evil, I either had to have green skin or a leather corset." She laughed derisively.
"So your a woman?" Asked Clever Pedro.
"That's funny. See, we all thought you were gay!"
Ramona laughed. "That is re-donk-ulous," she said. "Whatever would give you that idea?"
Big Pedro snorted a little under his breath.
Old Pedro sagged in his seat. "Aw man..." he muttered. Everyone stared at him.
Except for Choochi, whose brain was still whirring. "And what was this you said about evil, Ramona? What evil activities have you been a part of that we should know about? Because my gosh! The things you could do with Saran wrap and Papier Mache. I thought you were going to be an artist?"
Ramona cackled evilly. "Artist? ARTIST?! Why be an artist when you can be an evil mastermind and steal magical articles of clothing that I can use to help conquer the world and fulfill my destiny as the EVIL QUEEN OF THE MERMAIDS and-- oops..." She covered her mouth, realizing that she had fallen prey to one of the classic blunders.
The most important was never get involved in a land war in Asia. The second most important one was to never mess with a Sicilian when death is on the line. But the third most important is, never give away your evil schemes when monologuing to a victim.
She whacked herself upside the head with a conch shell.
However, (quite expectedly) rather than cowering before her evil might, everyone began to laugh.
In between guffaws, Clever Pedro choked, "Man, you know, I just realized, if you're the evilest of the group, then we're doomed!"
"Yeah, really," giggled Big Pedro.
Ramona's face was a mask of fury. "I knew this would happen!" she roared. "It's because I'm a woman, isn't it! That's why no one's taking me seriously!"
This question was answered by Mad Phil, who was laughing even more hysterically than the rest, clutching his side and screaming "Evil Mermaid Queen!"[/quote]
Suddenly, all action screeched to a halt.
"Mad Phil?" whispered Big Pedro. "Who is that? He's never been mentioned before in this story."
"He looks like a trustworthy young lad," stated Old Pedro.
"Er, he's got a madly spinning red eye and a ping-pong ball with a smiley face stuffed into it in the other socket," Clever Pedro pointed out, but nobody listened to him.
"You know, I think Mad Phil would be an excellent fourth member of our evil little gang," suggested Big Pedro.
Ramona kicked him painfully. "FINE!" she screeched, thrusting the box of stolen goods at Gummy Bear and Choochi Face, who were just kind of standing there looking dumb. "Kick me out of my own gang! See if I care! Take the things! Let that wacko join you guys! I QUIT!"
She threw her lilac bowler hat at Old Pedro, who looked rather sad as it had landed in the pitcher of Pina Coladas.
"Come on, Nosferatu. Let's bust out of this popsicle stand."
"Hey! My belt's in here!" said Gummi Bear, clipping his belt on and instantly regaining his godlike strength.
"Now let's kick some Evil-Belt-Thief-Faux-Dry-Cleaner-Drunk-Bowler-Hatted-Pedro Derriere!" he exclaimed, punching his fist.
But his wife held him back. "Hold it, dear." She turned to the Pedros and Mad Phil, who was accepting his inductory bowler hat, coupon book, and fruit basket. "Boys, I want you to think for a moment about what you did."
They stared up at her. Choochi Face was a kindergarten teacher, and she didn't need a magic article of clothing to exercise palpable rays of authority.
"Now, stealing is wrong, and I want you to realize that. I know you're upset, I know you had a bad childhood. I mean, you're the Orphan Circus, and it must have been tough growing up without any family. But taking people's things without asking was very naughty indeed."
In perfect, almost-rehearsed-seeming unison, the Pedros burst into tears.
"Oh, Madre, I'm sooo sorry!" Big Pedro called up to the sky, fat tears rolling down his chubby cheeks. "I didn't mean to be a bad boy!"
The Pedros offered their soggily apologetic testimony, and Choochi patted them comfortingly on the back and offered them biscuits, while Mad Phil sat dreamily on his stool trying on his bowler hat and thinking about sea horses.
The Pedro's then promised to live a crime free life. They had a relapse in two months when they were caught stealing a -audible laughter-lipop from the convenience store. This wouldn't have been a problem if it hadn't been in violation of the third-strike policy.
But Clever Pedro, true to his nickname, was clever. "Er, officer..." he stammered, "We didn't mean to steal that -audible laughter-lipop. It was out of our control!"
"Oh, yeah?" snorted Sergeant Alvarez, the best cop in the entire cosmos (and, incidentally, totally annoyed at dealing with such a petty case). "How, exactly?"
"Er..." Clever Pedro scratched his chin. "The evil queen of the mermaids possessed me to do it!"
Sergeant Alvarez absolutely cracked up. "The evil queen of the mermaids?" he hooted, tears of mirth streaming down his face. "Yeah, right. I've heard bet--"
But no one knew what he planned to say after that. Because with an ominous 'bloop'ing noise, Sergeant Alvarez disappeared into thin air, leaving behind nothing but his boots.
Nobody knows exactly how it happened. But witnesses who were there swear they heard a female cackle, and if their eyes hadn't deceived them, a fishlike tail swishing just out of view.
THE END