Post by timtheenchanter on Jun 16, 2008 23:11:23 GMT -5
COMRADES!
GET HAMMERED AND SICKLED!
PLAY COMMUNOPOLY, A GAME THE ENTIRE PROLETARIAT CAN ENJOY!
GET HAMMERED AND SICKLED!
PLAY COMMUNOPOLY, A GAME THE ENTIRE PROLETARIAT CAN ENJOY!
- Tim the Enchanter
COMMUNOPOLY!
Privet, Comrade! The People’s Entertainment Commissariat proudly presents COMMUNOPOLY: an exciting new game for the entire proletariat!
CONTENTS
Gameboard* - U.S.S.R. Title Deed Cards* - Money* - Game Pieces* - 2 Dice* - 16 Hammer Cards* - 16 Sickle Cards* - 32 Collective Farm Pieces* - 12 Factory Pieces*
* not included
The People’s Department of Manufacturing has more important things to make than board games, (like nuclear missiles, AK-47s, Communist Party party hats, etc.) so you get to make it yourself!
Here’s how:
Step One:
Pool your collective resources and purchase the capitalist version of Monopoly. The capitalist version comes with board, dice, money, cards, and game pieces.
Step Two:
Burn it. This angers the capitalists and amusingly contributes to global warming. As an added bonus, burning the evidence (might) prevent the KGB from arresting you as a capitalist spy.
Step Three:
Make your own board. Use the capitalist Monopoly board as reference. If you can’t remember what that board looked like, then have you and your friendly comrades in socialist labor save up for another copy. See later chapters for details about the board and pieces.
Congratulations! You are not the proud owner of Communopoly. It belongs to the government!
COMMUNOPOLY GAME RULES OF PLAY
Object … The object of the game is to serve the Communist Party the best you can and not starve to death or get hunted down by the KGB.
Preparation … Place the board on a table, and put the Hammer and Sickle cards on their alloted spaces on the board. Each player chooses one token* to represent him/her while traveling around the board.
* Use five 1 kopeck coins and one Communist Party Membership Pin as pieces, for a total of six. Don’t worry if you can’t tell the difference between the five coins, as all proletarian workers are equal!
Let Your Friendly Local Commissar play using the Communist Party Membership Pin. This is very important.
Each standard player is given 100 rubles*. Your Friendly Local Commissar (playing as the Communist Party Membership Pin piece) starts off with 10,000 rubles in any combination that suits his fancy.
* Use real rubles as game money. Don’t worry. It’s worthless.
All remaining rubles go into Your Friendly Local Commissar’s pocket.
Chairman … Select as Chairman Your Friendly Local Commissar. He controls The Party. If more than five people play, then the Chairman may elect to exile a player to Siberia to simplify matters.
The Party … The Chairman controls all of The Party’s rubles, all Title Deed cards, as well as collective farms and factories prior to construction and use by the players. The Party pays salaries and bonuses. It sells and auctions properties to itself, and sells collective farms and factories to itself and loans starving comrades rubles when required.
The Party collects all penalties, loans, and interest, and the value of all properties that it sells and auctions to itself to stay amused.
The Party never “goes broke.” If The Party runs out of rubles, the Chairman may issue as much more as may be needed by merely taking rubles from other players.
The Play … All players place their 1 kopeck coin or Communist Party Membership Pin on the corner marked “GO.” The Chairman starts play by rolling the dice and moving the pin in the direction of the arrow the number of spaces indicated by the dice. After The Chairman has completed his turn, then the other comrades take their turns based on personal loyalty to The Party. This is determined by Your Friendly Local Commissar. The tokens remain on the spaces occupied and proceed from that point on the player’s next turn. Two or more tokens may rest on the same space at the same time.
According to the space your token reaches, you must pay rent or penalties to The Chairman, who owns all the properties on the board. The Chairman pays himself rent and penalties according to whatever space he lands on.
If you roll doubles, you are permitted to roll again. However, if you roll doubles more than three times in succession, then you obviously are trying to get ahead of your fellow comrades-in-socialist-labor. You will then be shot. This rule does not apply to Your Friendly Local Commissar playing as chairman.
“GO” … Each time a player’s token lands on or passes over GO, whether by rolling the dice or drawing a card, The Party evenly distributes the salary of 200 rubles to each player. When The Chairman passes GO, he evenly distributes the 200 ruble salary to himself.
Buying Property … What are you, an evil capitalist? The Chairman/The Party owns each property and this is only negotiable after annoyingly ambitious comrade is shot.
Paying Rent And Improving Properties … All comrades must pay rent to The Chairman when landing on any property. The Chairman pays himself when this happens.
The Chairman may build collective farms or factories on any property. This increases the rent by a stupidly large amount that ordinary comrades cannot hope to afford.
Hammers and Sickles … When you land on either of these spaces, take the top card from the deck indicated, follow the instructions and return the card facedown to the bottom of the deck. Do not confuse Hammers with Sickles, or you will be bludgeoned with the aforementioned implements.
“Gulag” … You land in this charming forced-labor camp when [1] your token lands on the space marked “Go To Gulag”; [2] you draw a card marked “Go To Gulag”; or [3] whenever Your Friendly Local Commissar gets bored and decides to make your life a living hell.
All The Other Rules No One Cares About … Let Your Friendly Local Commissar make these up. Trust him.
CAPITALIST MONOPOLY OR COMMUNOPOLY? WHICH IS BETTER?
You have doubts about the government. Please mail your address and contents of your will to Moscow. Make your funeral arrangements as soon as possible. We are coming.
COMMUNOPOLY BOARD (clockwise from GO)
1. GO
2. Nothing (rent 1 ruble)
3. Hammer
4. Pain and Misery (rent 1 ruble)
5. Conscription (join Red Army or else!)
6. Red Air Force (serve as padding for landing gear)
7. Dirt (rent 1 ruble)
8. Sickle
9. Mud (rent 1 ruble)
10. Earthworm (rent 1 ruble)
11. IN GULAG! THERE IS NO ESCAPE!
12. Shovel (rent 1 ruble)
13. Propaganda (recite every Party slogan you know)
14. Hoe (rent 1 ruble)
15. Pick (rent 1 ruble)
16. Red Navy (get launched from a sub’s torpedo tube)
17. Bare Feet (rent 1 ruble)
18. Hammer
19. Frostbite (rent 1 ruble)
20. Shoe (rent 1 ruble)
21. Free Parking If You’re A Party Official With A Car
22. Turnips (rent 1 ruble)
23. Sickle
24. Corn (rent 1 ruble)
25. Wheat (rent 1 ruble)
26. Red Army (test a field for land mines)
27. Marxism (rent 1 ruble)
28. Socialism (rent 1 ruble)
29. Party Decree (listen to 6-hour long speech)
30. Communism (rent 1 ruble)
31. GO TO GULAG
32. Leningrad (rent 1,000 ruble)
33. Stalingrad (rent 1,000 ruble)
34. Hammer
35. MOSCOW (rent 1,500 ruble)
36. KGB (die, capitalist dog!)
37. Sickle
38. Red Square (forced labor)
39. Siberia (pay 75 years of your life)
40. The Kremlin (death by crushing)
COMMUNOPOLY CARDS
Hammer Cards:[/color][/b]
1. Get hit in the head by a hammer. Pay 50 rubles.
2. GO TO GULAG
3. Awarded Order of the Red Banner. Collect 200 rubles.
4. GO TO GULAG
5. Steal government funds. Collect 100 rubles.
6. GO TO GULAG
7. Caught stealing government funds. Pay 100 rubles to your gravediggers.
8. GO TO GULAG
9. Nuclear meltdown at Chernobyl. Die of radiation poisoning trying to clean up mess.
10. GO TO GULAG
11. Advance to nearest military branch. Good luck.
12. GO TO GULAG
13. Advance to GO
14. GO TO GULAG
15. Get out of GULAG free by dying. It’s over.
16. GO TO GULAG
Sickle Cards:
1. Get hit in the head by a sickle. Pay 50 rubles
2. GO TO GULAG
3. Awarded Hero of Socialist Labor. Collect 200 rubles.
4. GO TO GULAG
5. Inherit 100 rubles… and have it taken by The Government.
6. GO TO GULAG
7. Drink too much vodka. Pay 25 rubles.
8. GO TO GULAG
9. Keep harvest for yourself. Collect 100 rubles.
10. GO TO GULAG
11. Advance to GO
12. GO TO GULAG
13. Go back three spaces
14. GO TO GULAG
15. Fall into wheat harvester. Paint wheat field pretty red color.
16. GO TO GULAG
PLAY! COMRADE, PLAY! IT'S THIS OR THE GULAG!
Пролетарии всех стран, соединяйтесь!
[/center][/color][/b]Пролетарии всех стран, соединяйтесь!