Post by Remora on Feb 22, 2008 23:53:02 GMT -5
This is my horribly random attempt at humor. Somehow, when I submitted this to MNFF they actually accepted it in less than 24 hours. Anyway, here it is:
Chapter 1:
James and Lily were sitting around. It was near the end of Harry’s fifth year, when Harry and Hermione were leading Umbridge into the forest. "It's so nice that Sirius can finally take care of Harry, James!" Lily said happily.
"Yup, and I hope he passes his OWLs too!" James said proudly, even though Sirius had been out of Azkaban for a while already.
Three hours later
Sirius appeared, "Hi, guys!"
"What happened to you?" Lily asked him.
"I fell through a curtain," Sirius said.
James sAfrican Americaned, "That sucks. How's Harry?"
“I think he's ok, he tried to come in after me, but Remus held him back," Sirius said.
"That's good; I hope he lives a long life!" Lily said cheerfully.
"At least Remus is still alive; he can look out for Harry!" James said.
Just over one year later: Sirius was fascinated with the watching the world of the living:
"Holy crap! Remus just married my second cousin!" Sirius exclaimed.
"Really? How old is she?" James asked.
"Twenty three,” Sirius said, “Give or take a little.”
"Twenty three? She is way too young for him!" Lily exclaimed angrily.
"But Lily, no one loves werewolves, he's lucky he finally found someone!" James explained patiently.
Sirius sAfrican Americaned evilly.
One more year later:
Sirius, James and Lily were just standing around.
Remus appeared, "What's up guys?"
"We're related now!" Sirius said, not really registering that his friend had just died.
"That was random…I hope Dora's ok! I don't want her to die, I mean, I miss her, but that would totally suck,” Remus sighed.
"Does Harry still have someone who can look after him? Is Harry ok?" Lily was frantic.
Remus thought for a moment, "Well, Dora's still..."
Tonks appeared, "Remus! You're ok!"
"I'm dead, Dora, that doesn't exactly constitute as ok!" Remus said.
Tonks hugged him, "Poor Teddy, but at least we're together."
Sirius and James made faces.
Remus, Tonks and Lily glared at them.
Suddenly Remus, Lily, James, and Sirius disappeared.
"What did I do? Did I offend them? REMUS! COME BACK! I didn't MEAN to knock you over! Don't leave me here without explaining!" Tonks yelled.
10 minutes later (more or less)
Lily, James, Sirius and Remus reappeared.
"Where'd you go?" Tonks asked worriedly.
"We had to help Harry die, dear,” Remus explained gently, hugging her.
"YOU KILLED HARRY???" Tonks screamed, staring at him in disbelief.
"No, of course not, Dora! We just had to see him off!" Lily said.
"Um, then why isn't he here?" Tonks asked.
"I don't know," James said.
"Oh, look, Harry's dead!" Sirius cried.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Do you think he went on?" Lily asked.
"He would already be here if he went on,” Remus said.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" James had an emotional break down for about twenty minutes.
"No, wait, just kidding! He's moving!" Sirius said.
"Yay! Harry's alive!" Lily said.
There was much rejoicing.
"He's just killed Voldemort!" Sirius said about ten minutes later.
Lily broke into singing 'Ding Dong the Witch is dead' except she said wizard.
Dumbledore appears, "Hello, James, Lily, Sirius, Remus, and Nymphadora."
"Don't call me Nymphadora!" Tonks shouted.
"Why not?" Dumbledore asked.
"Because I hate that name, call me Dora, Tonks, or Lupin, just don't call me NYMPHADORA!" Tonks said.
"Congratulations anyway, Nymphadora, and you, too, Remus,” Dumbledore said.
"How many times do I have to tell you not to call me Nymphadora?" Tonks demanded.
"I don't know. Why don't you let people call you by your proper name?" Dumbledore asked.
"Because it's stupid. And what about the 'Let us not speak ill of the dead' thingy?" Tonks said.
"Um, Tonks, he's dead too, in case you haven't noticed,” Sirius pointed out.
"What do you think I am, blind?" Tonks demanded. She fell over.
Remus helped her stand back up, “Are you alright, Dora?”
“Yeah, I’m fine,” Tonks said.
"Aren't you all so proud of Harry?" Dumbledore asked, “He’s only seventeen and did what no grown man could ever have done.”
“What about a grown woman?” Tonks asked.
Dumbledore ignored her.
"Yes,” everyone said, though Tonks said it rather grudgingly.
100 years later, Harry died.
“Harry!” Lily, James and Sirius exclaimed.
"Why the heck didn't Teddy live with YOU?" Tonks and Remus shouted together.
"He was supposed to live with me?" Harry asked, “Not Andromeda?”
Tonks and Remus gave each other a look of utter disbelief.
"Isn't that kind of the point?" Remus asked in a very “duh” tone.
"But I thought...you know...because of Sirius...and, well, yeah…” Harry said.
"Well, I wasn't exactly the BEST guardian, but still, you should realize that I was in freaking AZKABAN! And then I was on the run! Of course you couldn't have lived with me!" Sirius said.
"Harry, the Elder wand! Did you die a natural death?" Dumbledore said urgently.
"Of course, what kind of ego maniac would kill an old man?" Harry said.
"Snivillus,” James and Sirius said together.
"That was on MY orders!" Dumbledore explained.
"But don't you think he enjoyed it?" Sirius asked.
"No."
"Not even a little bit?" James asked.
"No."
"Not even a billionth of a percent?" Sirius asked innocently.
"NO! What is wrong with you guys! Why are you so determined to hate him?” Dumbledore asked.
Snape walked up to them, "Are you talking about me?"
"Yes,” Dumbledore said pleasantly.
Harry, James, and Sirius groaned; Lily, Tonks and Remus sAfrican Americaned.
"Lily! The love of my life! Why did you marry that scumbag?" Snape inquired.
"Did you just call me a scumbag?" James asked.
"You take that back, Snivillus!" Sirius said.
"Now would be a good time to leave,” Dumbledore advised everyone else.
Lily glared at Snape and stood by James.
Tonks, Remus, and Harry exchanged a look, and ran like heck.
Dumbledore waved and walked away calmly.
The argument continued in this same manner for a few more hours.
Snape tried to use Sectumsempra.
It didn't work.
They all said good bye.
James, Sirius and Lily left, looking for the rest of their group.
Snape just kind of stood there watching them leave, "LILY! I'M SORRY I CALLED YOU A ---"Eat slugs, Malfoy!"---!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Chapter 1:
James and Lily were sitting around. It was near the end of Harry’s fifth year, when Harry and Hermione were leading Umbridge into the forest. "It's so nice that Sirius can finally take care of Harry, James!" Lily said happily.
"Yup, and I hope he passes his OWLs too!" James said proudly, even though Sirius had been out of Azkaban for a while already.
Three hours later
Sirius appeared, "Hi, guys!"
"What happened to you?" Lily asked him.
"I fell through a curtain," Sirius said.
James sAfrican Americaned, "That sucks. How's Harry?"
“I think he's ok, he tried to come in after me, but Remus held him back," Sirius said.
"That's good; I hope he lives a long life!" Lily said cheerfully.
"At least Remus is still alive; he can look out for Harry!" James said.
Just over one year later: Sirius was fascinated with the watching the world of the living:
"Holy crap! Remus just married my second cousin!" Sirius exclaimed.
"Really? How old is she?" James asked.
"Twenty three,” Sirius said, “Give or take a little.”
"Twenty three? She is way too young for him!" Lily exclaimed angrily.
"But Lily, no one loves werewolves, he's lucky he finally found someone!" James explained patiently.
Sirius sAfrican Americaned evilly.
One more year later:
Sirius, James and Lily were just standing around.
Remus appeared, "What's up guys?"
"We're related now!" Sirius said, not really registering that his friend had just died.
"That was random…I hope Dora's ok! I don't want her to die, I mean, I miss her, but that would totally suck,” Remus sighed.
"Does Harry still have someone who can look after him? Is Harry ok?" Lily was frantic.
Remus thought for a moment, "Well, Dora's still..."
Tonks appeared, "Remus! You're ok!"
"I'm dead, Dora, that doesn't exactly constitute as ok!" Remus said.
Tonks hugged him, "Poor Teddy, but at least we're together."
Sirius and James made faces.
Remus, Tonks and Lily glared at them.
Suddenly Remus, Lily, James, and Sirius disappeared.
"What did I do? Did I offend them? REMUS! COME BACK! I didn't MEAN to knock you over! Don't leave me here without explaining!" Tonks yelled.
10 minutes later (more or less)
Lily, James, Sirius and Remus reappeared.
"Where'd you go?" Tonks asked worriedly.
"We had to help Harry die, dear,” Remus explained gently, hugging her.
"YOU KILLED HARRY???" Tonks screamed, staring at him in disbelief.
"No, of course not, Dora! We just had to see him off!" Lily said.
"Um, then why isn't he here?" Tonks asked.
"I don't know," James said.
"Oh, look, Harry's dead!" Sirius cried.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Do you think he went on?" Lily asked.
"He would already be here if he went on,” Remus said.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" James had an emotional break down for about twenty minutes.
"No, wait, just kidding! He's moving!" Sirius said.
"Yay! Harry's alive!" Lily said.
There was much rejoicing.
"He's just killed Voldemort!" Sirius said about ten minutes later.
Lily broke into singing 'Ding Dong the Witch is dead' except she said wizard.
Dumbledore appears, "Hello, James, Lily, Sirius, Remus, and Nymphadora."
"Don't call me Nymphadora!" Tonks shouted.
"Why not?" Dumbledore asked.
"Because I hate that name, call me Dora, Tonks, or Lupin, just don't call me NYMPHADORA!" Tonks said.
"Congratulations anyway, Nymphadora, and you, too, Remus,” Dumbledore said.
"How many times do I have to tell you not to call me Nymphadora?" Tonks demanded.
"I don't know. Why don't you let people call you by your proper name?" Dumbledore asked.
"Because it's stupid. And what about the 'Let us not speak ill of the dead' thingy?" Tonks said.
"Um, Tonks, he's dead too, in case you haven't noticed,” Sirius pointed out.
"What do you think I am, blind?" Tonks demanded. She fell over.
Remus helped her stand back up, “Are you alright, Dora?”
“Yeah, I’m fine,” Tonks said.
"Aren't you all so proud of Harry?" Dumbledore asked, “He’s only seventeen and did what no grown man could ever have done.”
“What about a grown woman?” Tonks asked.
Dumbledore ignored her.
"Yes,” everyone said, though Tonks said it rather grudgingly.
100 years later, Harry died.
“Harry!” Lily, James and Sirius exclaimed.
"Why the heck didn't Teddy live with YOU?" Tonks and Remus shouted together.
"He was supposed to live with me?" Harry asked, “Not Andromeda?”
Tonks and Remus gave each other a look of utter disbelief.
"Isn't that kind of the point?" Remus asked in a very “duh” tone.
"But I thought...you know...because of Sirius...and, well, yeah…” Harry said.
"Well, I wasn't exactly the BEST guardian, but still, you should realize that I was in freaking AZKABAN! And then I was on the run! Of course you couldn't have lived with me!" Sirius said.
"Harry, the Elder wand! Did you die a natural death?" Dumbledore said urgently.
"Of course, what kind of ego maniac would kill an old man?" Harry said.
"Snivillus,” James and Sirius said together.
"That was on MY orders!" Dumbledore explained.
"But don't you think he enjoyed it?" Sirius asked.
"No."
"Not even a little bit?" James asked.
"No."
"Not even a billionth of a percent?" Sirius asked innocently.
"NO! What is wrong with you guys! Why are you so determined to hate him?” Dumbledore asked.
Snape walked up to them, "Are you talking about me?"
"Yes,” Dumbledore said pleasantly.
Harry, James, and Sirius groaned; Lily, Tonks and Remus sAfrican Americaned.
"Lily! The love of my life! Why did you marry that scumbag?" Snape inquired.
"Did you just call me a scumbag?" James asked.
"You take that back, Snivillus!" Sirius said.
"Now would be a good time to leave,” Dumbledore advised everyone else.
Lily glared at Snape and stood by James.
Tonks, Remus, and Harry exchanged a look, and ran like heck.
Dumbledore waved and walked away calmly.
The argument continued in this same manner for a few more hours.
Snape tried to use Sectumsempra.
It didn't work.
They all said good bye.
James, Sirius and Lily left, looking for the rest of their group.
Snape just kind of stood there watching them leave, "LILY! I'M SORRY I CALLED YOU A ---"Eat slugs, Malfoy!"---!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"