Post by mousemaylikecheese on Nov 11, 2008 17:13:39 GMT -5
This is what happens when Mouse (who has not read Twilight) realizes that "Cullen" sounds like culinary and got a picture in her head of this ever-so-perfect vampire cooking. Vaguely disturbing and poorly censored. Very much out of character.
*Lights! Camera! Action!*
SNAPE: (standing beside a well stocked counter, muttering to himself) Why ever did I volunteer for this blood-- *bleeeep!* -ing show? I don't cook. What? The da-- *bleeep!* -era's rolling?! (expression of frustration. Morosely) Hello, ladies, gentlemen, students, welcome to Battle *SFX: The Hall of the Mountain King* (pauses irritably) of the Chefs. (mumbleing) I am yourhost SeverusSnape.
*Enter: VOLDEMORT, EDWARD CULLEN*
EDWARD CULLEN: (heads straight to the counter; grabs and hugs vacuum-packed "Deli Salami Slices" to his chest. Drops them, and scrabbles for "Acme Mincemeat"; drops the jar in horror, causing it to shatter and splatter into the sink full of water. Continues to examine various packages)
VOLDEMORT: (moves his hands from side to side, as if presenting people on both sides; then switches to the Egyptian walk. When he reaches Snape, he tilts his head to the side and gives a very large grin. Proceeds to grab Snape's hand and twirl around him)
SNAPE: (Looks vaguely disturbed) This isn't a dancing competition.
VOLDEMORT: (in all the wrong tone, toward audience) What is it?
SNAPE: (Gritting teeth) A cooking show.
VOLDEMORT: (pivots on his heel, studies Snape's lapel closely, for no apparent reason. EDWARD starts when he notices this. To Snape) Oh! Lovely!
*Enter: SANTA CLAUS*
SANTA CLAUS: (booming voice) WHAT ARE WE DOING TODAY?
SNAPE: (quirks eyebrows) Cooking?
SANTA CLAUS: Jolly good. (removes Santa Costume to reveal tuxedo, with a large paper cutout of a penguin pinned to the lower left corner of the jacket. The words "WIZARD OF OZ" are printed across the jacket)
SNAPE: (shakes his head) In any case, today, you will be preparing a meal, to be judged by our mystery guest. You will prepare some sort of fish. (notices director waving at him frantically) And some sort of vegetable side dish. (mutters something. The words "live television" are audible) Would you care to tell us what you are going to prepare, Mr. Cullen?
EDWARD CULLEN: (peers very, very closely at Snape's neck, bumping his nose on the latter's shoulder. After a good minute of Snape looking puzzled and Voldemort humming disinterestedly at the other side of the counter, he recoils) Me, tell someone like YOU anything? Of course not! I'm a VEGETARIAN!
SNAPE: (dryly) Are you planning on getting rid of that meat, then?
EDWARD CULLEN: (stares blankly at Snape) I will prepare the dish.
SNAPE: (to Voldemort) And you, what are you making?
VOLDEMORT: (conversationally) To tell the truth, I'm not really sure yet. (puts on an apron which reads "Cook will use informantable curess" and begins to expertly gut and fillet a whole fish.)
SNAPE: (dully) We will be back after this short commercial.
VOICEOVER: Hello there... I didn't expect a sort of Spanish Inquisition...I DIDN'T expect a sort of Spanish Inquisition... I DIDN'T EXPECT A SORT OF SPANISH INQUISITION!... *pause* ALBATROSS!
SNAPE: (holding his head in his hands) We're back, with Battle of the Chefs. Our contestants, Edward Cullen, and Voldemort have finished their dishes. (walks over to Edward) Now, Mr. Cullen, would you like to tell us something about the meal you've prepared?
EDWARD CULLEN: Now, as you can see, I have perfect--perfect!--ivory skin, and beeyootiful eyes, and an angelic face, and the most perfectest hair in the universe, nay in the galaxy!
LEGOLAS (voiceover): ...red sky at... perfectest isn't a word.
EDWARD CULLEN: Admire my wonderfully beeyootiful, magnificent, superlative biceps, and watch how I hebetate this ugly, invalid blackguard! I loove you, dovey Bella sweetums!
(from audience)BELLA (MAZZIM): Why are you describing the host of this show as invalid, and why are you planning to make him dull or obtuse?
(from audience)BELLATRIX: Dove?!
silence; everyone looks to Voldemort
VOLDEMORT: (sings, as he garnishes his immaculate dishes)Tom, tom, the piper's son went down the Withywindle. Fell in love with Mary now and down the waterspout it fell... I sang of opera, of phantoms of opera, and the phantom, here he came... My Minerva.. you set my set my-- (stops singing) Oh, sorry.
TBC...
*Lights! Camera! Action!*
SNAPE: (standing beside a well stocked counter, muttering to himself) Why ever did I volunteer for this blood-- *bleeeep!* -ing show? I don't cook. What? The da-- *bleeep!* -era's rolling?! (expression of frustration. Morosely) Hello, ladies, gentlemen, students, welcome to Battle *SFX: The Hall of the Mountain King* (pauses irritably) of the Chefs. (mumbleing) I am yourhost SeverusSnape.
*Enter: VOLDEMORT, EDWARD CULLEN*
EDWARD CULLEN: (heads straight to the counter; grabs and hugs vacuum-packed "Deli Salami Slices" to his chest. Drops them, and scrabbles for "Acme Mincemeat"; drops the jar in horror, causing it to shatter and splatter into the sink full of water. Continues to examine various packages)
VOLDEMORT: (moves his hands from side to side, as if presenting people on both sides; then switches to the Egyptian walk. When he reaches Snape, he tilts his head to the side and gives a very large grin. Proceeds to grab Snape's hand and twirl around him)
SNAPE: (Looks vaguely disturbed) This isn't a dancing competition.
VOLDEMORT: (in all the wrong tone, toward audience) What is it?
SNAPE: (Gritting teeth) A cooking show.
VOLDEMORT: (pivots on his heel, studies Snape's lapel closely, for no apparent reason. EDWARD starts when he notices this. To Snape) Oh! Lovely!
*Enter: SANTA CLAUS*
SANTA CLAUS: (booming voice) WHAT ARE WE DOING TODAY?
SNAPE: (quirks eyebrows) Cooking?
SANTA CLAUS: Jolly good. (removes Santa Costume to reveal tuxedo, with a large paper cutout of a penguin pinned to the lower left corner of the jacket. The words "WIZARD OF OZ" are printed across the jacket)
SNAPE: (shakes his head) In any case, today, you will be preparing a meal, to be judged by our mystery guest. You will prepare some sort of fish. (notices director waving at him frantically) And some sort of vegetable side dish. (mutters something. The words "live television" are audible) Would you care to tell us what you are going to prepare, Mr. Cullen?
EDWARD CULLEN: (peers very, very closely at Snape's neck, bumping his nose on the latter's shoulder. After a good minute of Snape looking puzzled and Voldemort humming disinterestedly at the other side of the counter, he recoils) Me, tell someone like YOU anything? Of course not! I'm a VEGETARIAN!
SNAPE: (dryly) Are you planning on getting rid of that meat, then?
EDWARD CULLEN: (stares blankly at Snape) I will prepare the dish.
SNAPE: (to Voldemort) And you, what are you making?
VOLDEMORT: (conversationally) To tell the truth, I'm not really sure yet. (puts on an apron which reads "Cook will use informantable curess" and begins to expertly gut and fillet a whole fish.)
SNAPE: (dully) We will be back after this short commercial.
VOICEOVER: Hello there... I didn't expect a sort of Spanish Inquisition...I DIDN'T expect a sort of Spanish Inquisition... I DIDN'T EXPECT A SORT OF SPANISH INQUISITION!... *pause* ALBATROSS!
SNAPE: (holding his head in his hands) We're back, with Battle of the Chefs. Our contestants, Edward Cullen, and Voldemort have finished their dishes. (walks over to Edward) Now, Mr. Cullen, would you like to tell us something about the meal you've prepared?
EDWARD CULLEN: Now, as you can see, I have perfect--perfect!--ivory skin, and beeyootiful eyes, and an angelic face, and the most perfectest hair in the universe, nay in the galaxy!
LEGOLAS (voiceover): ...red sky at... perfectest isn't a word.
EDWARD CULLEN: Admire my wonderfully beeyootiful, magnificent, superlative biceps, and watch how I hebetate this ugly, invalid blackguard! I loove you, dovey Bella sweetums!
(from audience)BELLA (MAZZIM): Why are you describing the host of this show as invalid, and why are you planning to make him dull or obtuse?
(from audience)BELLATRIX: Dove?!
silence; everyone looks to Voldemort
VOLDEMORT: (sings, as he garnishes his immaculate dishes)Tom, tom, the piper's son went down the Withywindle. Fell in love with Mary now and down the waterspout it fell... I sang of opera, of phantoms of opera, and the phantom, here he came... My Minerva.. you set my set my-- (stops singing) Oh, sorry.
TBC...