Harry Potter Song Spoofs

[Schmergo]

Okay, I have a Beatles album, "Phantom of the Opera" and High School Musical spoofed, and I have a few Hairspray works-in-progress. I shall post 'em here.

[Schmergo]

DARK LORD VOLDY'S SHATTERED SOUL CLUB BAND

Dark Lord Voldy’s Shattered Soul Club Band (Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band)
(Harry is walking down a dark alleyway, when suddenly, Voldemort and the Death Eaters appear and surround him. Harry draws his wand, expecting a duel, but to his surprise, the Death Eaters produce instruments and begin to play and sing. They insist that Harry listen to their concert and assure him that they will kill him as soon as they’re done performing.)

All Death Eaters:
It was sixteen years ago today
Dark Lord Voldy came to town to play.
He was killin’ them Potters in style
Doin’ what he’d planned for quite awhile.
But Harry Potter had to wreck the scheme we’d planned for years!
Dark Lord Voldy’s Shattered Soul Club Band.

We’re Dark Lord Voldy’s Shattered Soul Club Band
Though we’re sure by now you know.
Dark Lord Voldy’s Shattered Soul Club Band
Sit back and give in to your foe!
Dark Lord Voldy’s Shattered, Dark Lord Voldy’s Shattered,
Dark Lord Voldy’s Shattered Soul Club Band!

Voldemort:
It’s wonderful to be here,
We’re going to kill you soon
But before we get to that part I would like to sing this tune to you
I’d like to sing this tune!

All Death Eaters:
We don’t really want to stop the show,
But Potter, we think you should know
That we’re gonna sing and have our fun
So don’t try anything until we’re done!
Sit back, relax, enjoy, then die
And don’t you shed those tears!
Dark Lord Voldy’s Shattered Soul Club Band!




With A Little Yelp From My Foes (A Little Help From My Friends)

(Bellatrix Lestrange sings a song about her favourite past-time: torture!)

Bellatrix:
What would I do if got sent to jail
And I rotted there in Azkaban?
Lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
And if you live, you’re quite a lucky man.
Oh! I get by with a little yelp from my foes.
Oh! I get high on those sweet Crucios.
Mmm! Gonna try torturing average Joes.

What do I do when I get kind of bored?

Death Eaters:
Do you like to hear your victims moan?

Bellatrix:
How do I feel when not with the Dark Lord?

Death Eaters:
Do you still kill when you’re all alone?

Bellatrix:
YES! I get by with a little yelp from my foes.
Oh! I get high on those sweet Crucios.
Mmm! Gonna try torturing average Joes.

Death Eaters:
Do you need anybody?

Bellatrix:
For dueling? Someone who’s worse!

Death Eaters:
Could it be anybody?

Bellatrix:
I want somebody to curse.

Death Eaters:
Aren’t you aware that, uh, you’ve gone insane?

Bellatrix:
Yes, I know, but I don’t really care.

Death Eaters:
Just what goes on inside that twisted brain?

Bellatrix:
I can tell you– but you’d best beware!
‘Cause! I get by with a little yelp from my foes.
Oh! I get high on those sweet Crucios.
Mmm! Gonna try torturing average Joes.

Death Eaters:
Do you need anybody?

Bellatrix:
For dueling? Someone who’s worse!

Death Eaters:
Could it be anybody?

Bellatrix:
I need somebody to curse.
Oh! I get by with a little yelp from my foes.
Oh! I get high on those sweet Crucios.
Mmm! Gonna try torturing average Joes.
Yes, I get by with a little yelp from my foes
With a little yelp from my foes!


Potter’s Gonna Die In Time, Man (Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds)

(Voldemort sings about how upsetting it is that Harry Potter always gets away, while his Death Eaters encourage him that one day he’ll get him.)

Voldemort:
Picture yourself thinking you’re really something,
You always succeed every time that you try.
Then comes the day when you meet a small child
And what do you know, he refuses to die?

Avada Kedavras in blazing bright green
Should have left that rotter dead!
But Potter’s unscathed except for that scar on his head!

Death Eaters:
Potter’s gonna die in time, man!
Potter’s gonna die in time, man!
Potter’s gonna die in time, man!
Ahhhh…

Voldemort:
It’s ten years later, you plot and conspire
You’re stuck to the back of that Quirrel bloke’s head.
You think you’ve got it made, you’re stealing the stone
But you fail, Quirrel dies, and still Potter’s not dead!

So, you get Crouch Junior and your man Wormtail
You know they’ll take Potter’s life!
Potter is cornered, he’s there in the graveyard…
Still no dice!

Death Eaters:
Potter’s gonna die in time, man!
Potter’s gonna die in time, man!
Potter’s gonna die in time, man!
Ahhhh…

Voldemort:
Picture yourself putting dreams in the boy’s head
You get him where you want, then surprise, surprise!
Potter escapes and my servants are caught
And nobody but Sirius Black even dies!

Death Eaters:
Potter’s gonna die in time, man!
Potter’s gonna die in time, man!
Potter’s gonna die in time, man!
Ahhhh…
Potter’s gonna die in time, man!
Potter’s gonna die in time, man!
Potter’s gonna die in time, man!
Ahhhh…
Potter’s gonna die in time, man!
Potter’s gonna die in time, man!
Potter’s gonna die in time, man!
Ahhhh… (fade out)


Not Much Better (Getting Better All The Time)

(Wormtail sings about how being a Death Eater isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.)
Wormtail: (and Death Eaters in parentheses)
I’m not really that fond of crime…
I used to feel bad in my school. (Man, we can relate)
I wasn’t that handsome or cool. (Yeah, we can relate)
Kids pulled me down (Ooh)
Pushed me around (Aah)
I didn’t like being the fool. (What a fool…)

But I’ve got to admit, it’s not much better (Better)
I don’t prefer this life of crime. (In fact, it’s a lot worse)
I have to admit, it’s not much better (Better)
But I’m stuck with it, this life of mine.

I wasn’t as good as my friends
It’s my fault they met their sad ends.
And with Voldemort, I still feel dumb and short
And I grovel with his other men.

I’ve got to admit, it’s not much better (Better)
I don’t prefer this life of crime. (In fact, it’s a lot worse)
I have to admit, it’s not much better (Better)
But I’m stuck with it, this life of mine.
I’m not really all that fond of crime
It’s still no better after all this time.
Not much, not much better.
It’s still no better after all this time.

I used to be small and pathetic
I never would speak up or do anything that I loved.
I know that it’s strange, but that still hasn’t changed
Now that I’m serving this evil man.

Snape: (Spoken)
That, uh, didn’t rhyme.

Wormtail: (Spoken)
Take it up with the Beatles. That verse didn’t rhyme in the orginal song, either

(Sung)
But I’ve got to admit, it’s not much better (Better)
I don’t prefer this life of crime. (In fact, it’s a lot worse)
I have to admit, it’s not much better (Better)
But I’m stuck with it, this life of mine.

I’m not really all that fond of crime
It’s still no better after all this time.
Not much, not much better.
It’s still no better after all this time.
Not much, not much better.
I’m not really all that fond of crime.


Splitting My Soul (Fixing a Hole)

(Voldemort’s song about Horcruxes)

Voldemort:
I’m splitting my soul into seven small chunks
To stop my life from ending.
I’m immortal…

I’m making up Horcruxes from my old junk.
To stop my life from ending.
I’m immortal…
And it really doesn’t matter
If I lose my nose
Why do I want one of those?
If my eyes turn red.
If my skin is ghostly white
And I look like a snake, all right.
It’s better, dear, than ending up dead.

I’m splitting my soul and I’m hiding the chunks
To keep my life from ending.
I’m immortal…
Ooh ooh ooh ah ah
Hey, hey, hey, hey.

And it really doesn’t matter
If I lose my nose
Why do I want one of those?
If my eyes turn red.
If my skin is ghostly white
And I look like a snake, all right.
It’s better, dear, than ending up dead.

I’m taking a ring and cup and more things
To keep my life from ending.
And I’m still immortal…
Ooh ooh ooh ah ah
Hey, hey, hey, hey.

I’m splitting my soul into seven small chunks
To stop my life from ending.
I’m immortal…
I’m immortal…

I’m splitting my soul into seven small chunks
To stop my life from ending.
I’m immortal… (Fade out)



She’s Begging Snape (She’s Leaving Home)

(Snape sings about the events of “Spinner’s End,” Chapter Two of the sixth Harry Potter book.)

Snape:
Wednesday evening at five o’clock as the day winds down.
Silently Apparating by my door
Face says a lot but her actions say more
She walks down through Spinner’s End while clutching her wand in her hand.
Knocking the door, every knock a plea
Stepping inside, she begs me.

Death Eaters (and Narcissa in parentheses):
She (Gave Draco most of my life)
Is begging (Sacrificed most of my life)
Snape (I gave him everything money could buy.)
She’s begging Snape to help Draco escape
From Lord Voldemort (Please try)

Snape:
Lucius sits in jail, Draco sits at home unaware.
Bellatrix plays an unhelpful role
No wonder that Cissy loses control
She breaks down and clutches my robes and cries, “Will you make a vow?”
Bellatrix scoffs, but I still agree.
Now…what’s going to happen to me?

Death Eaters (and Narcissa in parentheses):
She (Draco’s young, he has no clue)
Is begging (Only one I trust is you)
Snape (Do it if he can’t, or help him get by.)
She’s begging Snape to help Draco escape
From Lord Voldemort (Please try)

Snape:
Friday morning, Narcissa’s lying at home in bed.
Wearing a dressing gown, eating bon-bons
My life now stinks, so her worry’s gone.

Death Eaters (and Narcissa in parentheses):
She (Now Snape is having an awful day)
Is laughing (But Draco’s not, and so that’s okay)
Now (Draco won’t have to be breaking the law.)
She’s laughing now, because Snape knows how
To save Cissy’s son (Ha ha)
She’s laughing now, ha ha!


Being For The Benefit of Voldemort (Being For The Benefit of Mr. Kite)

(The Death Eaters advertise Voldemort’s re-birth-day party in GOF)

Death Eaters:
For the benefit of Voldemort
There’ll be a show tonight of sorts–
Necromancy.

The Death Eaters will all be there
We’ll give that Potter boy a scare
So come and see.

With flesh and bone and blood of Potter’s
He’ll be there thanks to the Goblet of Fire
In this way, Voldy today will conquer the world!

This wonderful dark lord of ours
Will leave the boy with more than scars
This time around!

The Death Eaters will dance and sing
And Voldemort will be the king,
No more underground!

Messr. Wormtail does assure the public
Voldemort will come to power again.
And his reign of terror once more will begin!

It all begins at ten to eight
And there’s no way that you’ll be late
‘Cos after all

You’ll know when it’s going to begin
The Dark Mark burned into your skin
Will make the call.

Having been some months in preparation
Absolute success is guaranteed.
Lord Voldemort will rise again, indeed!


Within You, My Presence (Within You, Without You)

(Voldemort sings about the way he controls Harry through his dreams in OotP)

Voldemort:
You were dreaming about that little, smooth glass ball.
Many like it on that dark wall in the Ministry.
But when you got there, it was far too late, Black had met his fate.
You were dreaming about a giant snake
You found Arthur, you did your best to murder him with your fangs.
I could make you destroy your friends, and you’ll never know.

You won’t realize it’s me inside your head.
Stealing your dreams, weaving mine instead.
I will lure you away until you’re dead.
My life flows on, within you, my presence.

You were dreaming about my evil laugh so cold
And my longing to gain the world and lose my soul
Your friends don’t know, they can’t see that you’re one with me.

You won’t realize it’s me inside your head.
Stealing your dreams, weaving mine instead.
I will lure you away until you’re dead.
My life flows on, within you, my presence.



When I’m In Azkaban (When I’m Sixty-Four)

(I’ve always imagined Lucius and Narcissa Malfoy to be very romantic. Here is Lucius assuring his wife that although in jail, he’s still a stud.)

Lucius:
Narcissa, well, I’m writing from jail
And I’m wondering
Will you still be sending me a valentine
Birthday greetings, bottle of wine?
Though I’m no longer Fudge’s best friend
Am I still your man?
Am I your honey, as dear as money
Here in Azkaban?

Wrote to Bella, too.
I might take up and live with her
If I don’t hear from you!

I’m still the richest fellow around
Even in the pen.
Please don’t go around acting like I’ve died
Don’t spend your time with other men.
Maybe I’ve gotten scraggly and thin
Maybe I’ve grown pale.
But I’ll grow tanner back at the manor
When I’m out of jail.

How is Draco doing, is he working for Lord Voldemort now?
Tell him not to die.
But if he does, then we’ll
Make more heirs, you and I.

Send me a postcard, drop me a line
Stating points of view
Indicate precisely what you mean to say
Yours in prison, wasting away
Give me your answer, fill in a form
Send your man some mail
Love me for my brain, or for my snake cane
Though I’m stuck in jail!


Love That Rita (Lovely Rita)

(Voldemort approves of the news stories Rita Skeeter wrote about Harry in GOF.)
Voldemort:
Aaaaah!
Love that Rita Skeeter dame
Love that Rita Skeeter dame
Love that Rita Skeeter dame,
Slandering Harry Potter!
No one will trust that fussed-about boy now.
Ask me or any Death Eater
What we think of Rita Skeeter
Filling in a parchment with her poison green quill!
Our opinion, well oh well,
We think Rita Skeeter’s swell
Best to weaken Potter before we kill.

Love that Rita Skeeter dame
May I enquire discreetly
When you are free to join my ranks? Teehee…
(Rita Skeeter dame, ahhh)
Rita!

Watch her turn into a fly now,
Laughed so much, thought I would die now
Even though I’m immortal, of course.
Got the paper, Potter made it.
I’d give it an O, if I could grade it.
Potter’s reputation couldn’t be worse.

Love that Rita Skeeter dame
Where would we be without you?
Write us a nasty article again! (With your lovely quick-quotes pen.)
Love that Rita Skeeeter dame, Love that Rita Skeeeter dame
Love that Rita Skeeeter dame, Love that Rita Skeeeter dame…



Avada Kedavra (Good Morning)

(A song celebrating the Avada Kedavra curse.)

Death Eaters:
Avada Kedavra
Avada Kedavra
Avada.

Nothing to do to save his life–call his wife in.
Nothing to say, he’ll die today–how’s his life been?
If you wanna kill, just use this spell
I’ve got nothing to say but this–A.K.!
Avada Kedavra
Avada.

Spell loved by jerks, it always works, never fails now.
Two little words, kill men, fish, birds, even whales now.
Everybody knows it’s nothing doing.
Victim’s bodies collapse like a ruin.
Send them into eternal sleep
Then just go your way on down the street

After awhile you start to smile, now you feel cool.
Twirling your wand, suave as James Bond, killing old-school.
Nothing is changed, it’s still the same
I’ve got nothing to say but this–A.K.!
Avada Kedavra
Avada.

People running around, they’re getting scared.
You’ve got out your wand, they’ve got no prayer.
Everyone you see losing their life.
Take a break for tea and meet the wife.

Somebody needs to take control, glad that I’m here.
Putting those Muggles back in place, now you’re in gear.
Put on a show, watch those spells go
I’ve got nothing to say but this–A.K.!

Avada Kedavra, ah!
Avada Kedavra, ah!
Avada Kedavra, ah!
Avada Kedavra, ah!
Avada Kedavra, ah!
Avada Kedavra, ah!
Avada Kedavra, ah!
Avada Kedavra, ah!
Avada Kedavra, ah!
Avada Kedavra, ah!




Dark Lord Voldy’s Shattered Soul Club Band (Reprise)

(The Death Eaters close their show and prepare to leave so Voldemort can kill Harry.)

Death Eaters:
(1, 2, 3, 4, Die!)
It’s Dark Lord Voldy’s Shattered Soul Club Band
We hope you have enjoyed the show.
Dark Lord Voldy’s Shattered Soul Club Band
We’re sorry, but it’s time to go.
Dark Lord Voldy’s Shattered, Dark Lord Voldy’s Shattered
Dark Lord Voldy’s Shattered Soul Club Band.
We’ve come to kill you once again

Voldemort: (spoken)
And this time, I SWEAR we’ll do it, Potter!

Death Eaters:
Dark Lord Voldy’s one and only Shattered Souls Club Band
It’s getting very near the end
Dark Lord Voldy’s Shattered, Dark Lord Voldy’s Shattered
Dark Lord Voldy’s Shattered Soul Club Band.



Epilogue (A Day In The Life)

(The next day, after the concert, the Death Eaters learn that instead of Voldemort killing Harry, Harry defeated Voldemort. Needless to say, they are worried about their own safety.)

Death Eaters:
I read the news today, oh boy.
About a lucky boy who saved the day.
For us, the news was rather bad
Lord Voldemort’s been blown away.
That Potter killed him yesterday.
He blew his brains out with a wand
After escaping him six times before.
A crowd of people stood and stared
They’d seen his face before
Amidst the blood and gore.
He really did in the Dark Lord.

I got an owl today, oh boy
Dumbledore’s Army really won the war.
Folks cheered and sang like ne’er before.
But I just couldn’t speak.
‘Cause now I’m up dung creek.
And I’d love to jump in.

Voldemort’s Voice Over:
Woke up, rolled out of bed
Polished my shiny bald head
Found the boy downstairs, pointing his wand.
And looking up, I met my sorry fate
Left my fortune to my snake
Which was prob’ly a mistake.
Nothing left of me, not even smoke.
Just words I spoke and my crumbling estate.
Ahhhhhh…..

Death Eaters:
I read the news today, oh boy.
Forty Death Eaters running from the law.
The Auror’s ranks are rather small
But quite enough to take us all.
Now I think we’ll go to where our lord’s gone before long at all
I’d love to run away…

[Schmergo]

Here is Act One of "The Phoenix of the Order," a spoof of "The Phantom of the Opera."

THE PHOENIX OF THE ORDER
ACT ONE

1. Dudley Demented (Hannibal)
HARRY:
Hey Du-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-udley, you're a nitwit, you're a ni-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-itwit!
I wouldn't care if you dropped dead!

DUDLEY:
Yeah, Harry, guess what, you are wrong!
Prepare for humiliation!
At the end of this little song
You'll go through disintegration!

HARRY:
Where did you learn those big words?
Another kid you beat up?
From your mouth, it sounds absurd…
What's that sound? Stay low to the ground!

DEMENTORS:
Hi, how are y'all? Now we'll suck your soul out
Through your mouth like tasty ramen noodles
Let's get that one, he looks so big and dumb
WHAT THE!? Who said, "EXPECTO PATRONUM?"

HARRY:
Well, that was a great waste of time
And Dudley thinks I did it.
And now, well, I'm betting that I'm
Going to really get it!




2. Believe In Me (Think of Me)
Harry is before the Wizengamot pleading his case.
HARRY:
Believe in me,
Believe me, I'm honest
Do you think I'd lie?
Believe in me,
It was self defense
I was about to die!
If you found
Dementors on your street
Which is what happened then to me,
You would drive them off as well, right?
Please believe in me!

Music break. We switch to Harry at Hogwarts

HARRY:
I never wanted
Much from you, you know
But I want all of you to see
That Lord Voldemort has come back,
Please believe in me.
I survived, you must know what I've seen!
Don't think about the deaths that might have been.

Believe in me
It's true, I'm not faking
What's wrong, are you blind?
He killed Cedric, how can you not see it?
Get it in your mind!
Recall the day, look back on your fourth year
When, from the stands, what did you see
But me, with Cedric's dead body!
Please believe in me!

In the Great Hall, Umbridge stands up to make a speech.

HARRY:
Can that be, can that be Umbridge?
Oh no, oh no!
What a shame, she really is a git.
I saw her at the Ministry.
She was all for my expulsion-
She remembers me.
Memories fade, thoughts of the summer fade
But these will always stay with me.
Memories of Voldemort, so
Just believe…
I-i-i-i-i-i-in! I-i-i-i-i-i-in! I-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-in,
IIIIIIIINNNNNNNNN MEEEEE!

3. Horror of Hogwarts (Angel of Music)

UMBRIDGE:
Mwaheee, mwahaaa,
Mwahaaahoho!

RON:
Where in the world has she been hiding?
Really, she's perverted.
I only wish someone would kill her.
Who is this new teacher?

HERMIONE:
Umbridge, she spoke of some changes
That she would make around here.
Throughout the school, I can sense them,
And they cause me fear!

HARRY:
There in her class, I felt her staring
She hates me, why, it's clear.
Somehow I know she's up to something.
She's the worst of the gits here.
By the way, I have been dreaming
Dreaming of halls I walk through
Ending in doors that won't open.

RON:
Where?

HARRY:
I have no clue!

RON:
Horror of Hogwarts, here comes Umbridge!

HERMIONE:
Forcing on us her lies!

(HARRY:
Why did she come here, this)

TRIO:
Horror of Hogwarts, our worst teacher!

RON:
How long 'till some kid dies?

HARRY:
She's evil, holy cow!

HERMIONE:
Your hands, they bleed…
Your face, you're pale, it's white

HARRY:
Don't worry… I'm not frightened…

4. The Dreams (The Mirror/Phantom of the Opera)
This song covers several of Harry's more disturbing dreams
VOLDEMORT:
This foolish boy,
I live within him
He feels my pain, my joy
Ignorant fools,
His friends don't realize
How I control this boy.

HARRY:
What is this? I feel weak, I'm tired.
Yet I just woke, what's wrong?
I heard somebody speak, I know it
But everyone here's sleeping.

VOLDEMORT:
Go back to sleep, and I'll show you.
Here where Rookwood and I hide.
You'll see my face in the mirror
When you look inside!

HARRY:
What's wrong, is this me, Voldemort's face?
No… it's just me… Harry…
Horror at Hogwarts, not just Umbridge,
Part of it is in me.

VOLDEMORT:
I weave the dreams that you follow
You have the mind that I swallow…
I weave the dreams that you follow
You have the mind that I swallow…

HARRY:
In sleep, it rose in me
In dreams, it came
There's something dark in me
I can't explain.
And do I dream again?
For now I find
The presence of Lord Voldemort is there
Inside my mind.

VOLDEMORT:
Come once again with me,
No need to fret,
My influence on you
Grows stronger yet.
You say that you loathe me?
Don't be unkind.
You only loathe yourself, since I am here,
Inside your mind.

HARRY:
I still have my own face
But now I fear,
I'm not the only person

VOLDEMORT:
Inside here!

HARRY:
My body

VOLDEMORT:
And my will!

BOTH:
In one combined.
The presence of Lord Voldemort is here

VOLDEMORT:
Inside your mind!
And no one at your school
Will ever see
That hero and Dark Lord

HARRY:
Are both… just me?

VOLDEMORT:
Now down the path again
Don't glance behind.
No time for looking back when Voldemort's
Ensnared your mind.

5 The Person I Will Bite (Music of the Night)
Harry is having his biting dream
HARRY:
Senses sharpen
Heightens each sensation
Something stirs - it's not imagination.
Silently the senses abandon their defenses…

Slowly, gently, crawling toward the man there
Sense him, smell him, taste his scent on the air.
His face is turned away, he won't know that he’s my prey,
Suddenly my veins are hard and cold with spite
While edging toward the person I will bite.

VOLDEMORT:
Close your eyes and surrender to your darkest dreams
Leave yourself back in bed where you still sleep.
Lapse into dreams while my dark wishes creep
To your mind, where my thoughts stir in the deep.

HARRY:
Softly, swiftly, feel my fangs caress you.
Light and quick....

VOLDEMORT:
Man, it's fun to possess you!
I'm here in your mind!

HARRY:
As my sleek coils unwind
And I rise to pierce your side here in the night.
I'm going to kill the person who I bite.

VOLDEMORT:
I took you on this journey to this strange new world
But you'll blame yourself, hide away from friends.
When we work this way, the fun never ends!

HARRY:
Poised to strike as I rise, my body bends.
Biting, lunging, piercing with elation
I can't help but savor this sensation.

VOLDEMORT:
Now, let the dream end
Make the darker side your friend
And I'll slowly take you over, bit-by-bit.

HARRY:
I KNOW THIS MAN, THE PERSON THAT I BIT!

6. I Remember (I Remember/Stranger Than You Dreamt It)
HARRY:
I remember there was this
Place I'd never been but I'd seen before.
There was darkness all around
And a man I knew was lying on the floor.
Beside the man, there was a snake…
Why did I strike in the shadows?
What made me do this, I ask?

WHAT IS THIS? How could I have gone to London!
Am I some demon, what is this I feel inside me?
CURSE IT! Am I a monster, a killer?
I was a viper, now I know I can never be free.
What is this?
Curse it!

Stranger than I dreamt it,
Can my friends still bear to look at
Or still think of me?
This teenaged boy who has saved the world,
But secretly, works for the dark side,
Secretly… secretly… But I know…

I must stay away
I can't let my friends be in danger of this monster
This repulsive creature…who seems a boy,
But secretly, dreams of murder.
Secretly, secretly… Oh, I know
I must not return.
If I'm being possessed, I cannot go to school again.

7. Harry, You're Just Being Dumb (Magical Lasso)
HARRY:
As white as paper is his skin
A great black hole serves as the nose that never grew
And yet, repulsive as he is,
Lord Voldemort remains a part of me, too…

GINNY:
You don't know of what you speak.
You have never been possessed, but I was once.
Harry, you're just being dumb.
Don't stay hidden from us, don't be a dunce!

8.Educational Decrees (Notes)
Harry, Ron, and Hermione read the Educational Decrees on the wall.
HARRY:
Umbridge put these up overnight!

RON:
She should be the next one you bite!

HERMIONE:
Stop it, Ron! But all these papers say
That teams are disbanded as of today.
Bad news on the Hogwarts scene

DRACO (running by):
Good news for silver and green!
Our team's reformed, so I've been told.
'Cause my dad gave Fudge some gold!

HARRY:
What a way to run a school, now!
She's terrible, and she's corrupt!
The whole school feels akin!

RON:
'Cept for Slytherin.
Well, this stinks!
To heck with Snape and Lockhart
If the school thought smart
They would get Umbridge locked up!

HARRY:
Horrible! How these get put up!
This is horrible!

HERMIONE:
Harry, please shut up.
It's atrocity, and we know that's true.
But if you complain, she'll be cruel to you.

HARRY (sarcastically) :
Gee, Hermione, that would be
Weird, since she's so nice to me.

RON (reading):
"Dear students, if you had a club, well
Guess what? Now you don't anymore!
Like your society?
Then come and see me.
Otherwise, the kids who are still meeting
Will be beating
A path home out the front door."

HERMIONE (reading):
"Dear teachers, just a brief reminder
You cannot give your students aid
On a subject that's not
What you've always taught
You'll get sacked. No one likes to be fired
So it’s desired
For this rule to be obeyed."

TRIO:
Who would have the gall to post this?
Someone who is quite insane!

HERMIONE:
Aka, old Umbridge

RON:
This is all garbage!

TRIO:
What a deal!

HARRY:
She knows about the D.A.!

HERMIONE:
Can't you see they're undiscovered
'Cause I smothered the list of names
So don't blame me, now what scares me,
Is that, Harry, she knows of your Occlumency
Which could have a great expense, she has such a twisted brain!

Students gradually learn the news. General chaos ensues..

TRIO:
Far too many rules for my taste.
Curse educational decrees!
All that she's done this year is to post things here…

UMBRIDGE:
What's the matter?

TRIO:
Oh… nothing… professor…

9. Ronald Weasley (Prima Donna)
The Gryffindors are about to play a game of Quidditch
RON:
Oh great, it's Malfoy.

HARRY:
I see him, too.

RON:
That's it, I'm going inside now, toodle-loo.

HARRY:
Ron, don't be dumb, the team needs you!

SLYTHERINS:
Ronald Weasley, you cannot save a thing!
You drop the ball
Can't save at all
We adore you
Thanks to you, your team will lose every game!
Your fellow Gryffindors abhor you.
Ronald Weasley, you were born in a bin.
Stink up the pitch
With your Quidditch
As we sing!
You cannot block even one measly ring,
Oh, Ronald Weasley's our king!

10. Banned From Now On (Poor Fool, He Makes Me Laugh!)
After the Quidditch match.
DRACO:
Your pal, Weasley is a total loser, Potter, right? His father is a mad old crock, His family’s a laughingstock! And yet, I think you like their stink.

CROWD:
Fight! Fight! Fight!

DRACO:
The way their hovel smells like Muggles.

CROWD:
Fight! Fight! Fight!

Harry and George attack Malfoy. The scene switches to Umbridge's office.

HARRY:
Professor, it was only self-defense!

TWINS:
Malfoy knows sticking in his nose has an expense!

UMBRIDGE:
You're both banned from now on, mwahahahaha!
Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
Next time Gryffindor plays you both will be gone.
You're both kicked off the team, mwahahahaha!
Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
I love this job, I get to be extremely mean.

HARRY:
But Professor, we…

UMBRIDGE:
I'd advise you to be silent, little toad.

GEORGE:
(Muttering) A toad? It's you who looks like a toad!

UMBRIDGE:
You're both banned from now… WHAT WAS THAT?!

11. Harry and Cho (All I Ask Of You)
HARRY:
Please don't talk of Cedric
Forget that day last year.
I'm here, don't let it upset you
Nobody's going to get you.
Let me help you through this
I'll wipe away your tears.
I'm here, with you, beside you
I know it terrified you.

CHO:
Harry, oh, this is a bittersweet thing
Bringing me back to last summertime.
He said he'd be with me now and always
Now he's gone, and you said the same, too.
Can I believe in you?

HARRY:
Let me be your shelter
Light me be your light.
You're safe, I'm here to lead you
You need me and I need you.

CHO:
All I want is your strength
To save me from the night
Just you, within reach of me
To help me and to teach me.

HARRY:
Then say you'll share with me your love, your lifetime
Let me lead you from your mourning, too
Say you need me with you here, beside you.
Anything you want or need I'll do
Love me, that's all I ask of you.

CHO:
Say you'll share with me your comfort, guidance
Help me, please, and I will stay with you.

BOTH:
Share each day with me, each night, each morning.

CHO:
Just like Cedric…

HARRY:
Not again! Love me now, don't think back to then!

CHO:
I must go, then. Meet dear Hermione.
Don't wait for me.

HARRY:
Come back! What’s with you?
I gave you my heart and I gave you everything.
And now, how you repay me?
You run, you cast away me.
I know you loved Cedric
And that makes my heart sting…
Oh… Cho…

[Schmergo]

THE PHOENIX OF THE ORDER
ACT TWO

1. The D.A. (Masquerade)
HERMIONE:
Oh, Harry what a great idea!
The best thing that we've done this year.

HARRY:
Look at them, I'm impressed!
They've all done their best.

BOTH:
Here's to us!

RON:
Old Umbridge doesn't own us

TRIO:
Our Patronuses could drive her out of here!

ALL:
The D.A.! That's why we're all here today!
The D.A.! Hidden here, so Umbridge can never find us.
The D.A.! It's the reason why we stay!
The D.A.! If not for it, we'd leave the school behind us!
HERMIONE:
Flashing wands

NEVILLE:
Splashing… oops…

GINNY and MICHAEL:
Duel in pairs.

GRYFFINDORS:
Or in groups!

RON:
Pass our O.W.L.s at least

HERMIONE:
Several O.W.L.s apiece!

ALL:
Spellwork!

FRED:
Take a turn!

GEORGE:
Take a try!

BOTH:
As we shoot them around, and then they hit your face!

HARRY:
I've been told that it's true
That Umbridge has no clue
Who we are, what we do

RON:
Or that we're taught by you!

ALL:
Secret!
Hidden club, no one knows
But us, and they won't find out today!

GINNY:
About us, The D.A.!

ALL:
The D.A.! Curses whizzing overhead!
The D.A.! Take your fill let the skills you see astound you.
The D.A.! Beams in purples, blues, and reds

LUNA:
The D.A.! Stop and stare as the spells we cast surround you!

ALL:
The D.A.! Fight back 'fore somebody dies!
The D.A.! Got a problem? You should bring it to us.

RON:
The D.A.! No sneaks here, no peering eyes
The D.A.! They will never catch us, though they pursue us!

HERMIONE:
Thirty kids!

HARRY:
What a crowd!

RON:
Makes you glad!

HARRY:
Makes me proud!

RON:
Free from Umbridge-"hem hem!"

HARRY:
It feels great watching them!

HERMIONE:
And all our fears are left in class!

HARRY:
Six months

HERMIONE:
Of relief!

RON:
Of real life!

TRIO:
Of atypical peace!

HARRY:
And we feel free at last!

HERMIONE:
No decrees!

RON:
No grade D's!

HARRY:
Better yet, no grade T's!
This may be a bad year
But we get to come here

RON:
Too bad we have to go away.

HARRY:
They like school–what a change!

HERMIONE:
What a weekday retreat!

ALL:
And what a club-D.A.!

HARRY:
Think of it, a secret defense group I taught, they complied! Just think of it!

SMITH:
But why is it secret? What have we to hide?

HARRY:
Come, let's not fight

SMITH:
You said we're free!

HARRY:
Wait 'till the time is right

SMITH: When will that be? It's a defense group, not a crime!
Potter, what are you afraid of?

HARRY:
Let's not argue!

SMITH:
Why not argue?

HARRY:
Please pretend you will…

SMITH:
I'll probably never

BOTH:
Understand in time!

During the instrumental bridge, the students display their most elaborate spells

ALL:
The D.A.! Curses whizzing overhead!
The D.A.! Take your fill let the skills you see astound you.
The D.A.! Beams in purples, blues, and reds
The D.A.! Stop and stare as the spells we cast surround you!

Enter Umbridge and the Inquisitorial Squad

2. Enter Umbridge (Why So Silent?/We Have All Been Blind)
UMBRIDGE:
Why so silent, Harry dear?
Did you think I did not know you were here?
Quite the contrary, it seems--
It's my pleasure to expel you!
The scenario of my dreams!

INQUISITORIAL SQUAD:
Umbridge triumphant!

UMBRIDGE:
I advise you to comply, my instructions are easy
Remember, there are worse things than my 24th Decree!

Dumbledore's office

DUMBLEDORE:
You have all been blind- and yet the ringleader is staring you in the face.
This could be your chance to capture the head of D.A.
Of course, here I speak of only me.
But bad luck for you, I hold the ace.
Remember, if you're loyal, I'm never away.

He disappears

UMBRIDGE:
How could he leave? All the doors are barred.

FUDGE:
How could he leave? All our men are there.

PERCY:
How could he leave? The conundrum's hard!

UMBRIDGE:
I'm headmistress, as of today!

3. We'll Go, We Cannot Stay (Twisted Every Way)
Harry has just had his vision of Sirius

HARRY:
No! I'm frightened-how could he do this?
No! It scares me-Voldemort has captured Sirius
He'll kill him, I know… we'll be parted forever, he won't let him go
I saw it in a dream and I dread
What will happen to him.
It's true, I can tell, I saw it in my head.
Voldemort's got him, I saw in my head.
How can he do this, this inhumanoid man?
While Voldemort lives, he'll haunt us 'till we're dead.
We'll go, we cannot stay--the one thing I can give
Is to risk my life to let my guardian live.
Can we go save the man who was a dad to me?
He's trapped in the Department of Mysteries.

RON:
We'll go, we cannot stay

HERMIONE:
We'll go, I know we should

BOTH:
I know I can't refuse
And yet, I wish I could.
Oh no, if I agree…

HARRY:
What horrors wait for me, against Lord Voldemort there?

LUNA:
Harry, wait up!

NEVILLE:
We'll come, we'll all be there

GINNY:
You know that all of us still care about you now!

They mount the thestrals and fly away.

4. Potter, Will You Ever Learn? (The Point of No Return)
The DA Six arrive in the Hall of Prophecies

HARRY:
I have brought you
To this place gleaming with glass domes.
To this place I envisioned, but now is so eerily silent..
Silent…
You have come here
Here beside me, so far from home.
And now here I am, wondering
If I made a mistake, if I did the right thing
Now you're all here with me
No seconds thoughts…
It's so silent
Silent…

The Death Eaters appear

LUCIUS:
Potter, will you ever learn
Real life from trances?
Your games of make believe have reached an end.
Past the point of no return,
No use insisting
Believing dreams, and trusting what's pretend!
What foolishness to trust a dream!
Now you're here, they won't hear you scream…
Now shall we kill you, or your whole team?
Potter, will you ever learn?
No use escaping,
Stand here like a trapped rat, feel your scar burn
You'll die, for it's too late to learn.

BELLATRIX:
You have come here
To the Hall of the Prophecies,
To this hall where your life will end, painless and silent…
Silent…
You've been brought to
The Department of Mysteries,
In my mind, I've already imagined
Your death in a manner that's gruesome and violent.
Now you are here with us,
No use escaping
From a tyrant…
A tyrant…

Potter, it's too late to go!
No going back now.
You're trapped in here, where the fun will begin.
Potter, how could you not know?
You can't save Black now!
But then, you're Gryffindor, we're Slytherin.

LUCIUS:
Lord Voldemort has reached his goal
Now, Potter, give us what you stole,
Or you will not escape from us whole!

DEATH EATERS:
Potter, will you ever learn?
You're trapped in our hold
The crosses on the doors no longer burn!
Your life ends here
There's no return!

5. Beyond the Veil (Down Once More/Track Down This Murderer)

HARRY:
Down once more to the dais where the curtain blows
Down we rush to the chamber of before
Down the path, into darkness, through the door!

LUCIUS:
Why, you ask, boy, were you led by Lord Voldemort to this dark place?
It's the small and dusty sphere that reflects the image of your frightened face!

The Order Members enter, but the Death Eaters don't see them. They creep forward as the Death Eaters fight Harry and Neville - the other members of the DA are incapacitated.

ORDER MEMBERS:
Track down these Death Eaters! They must be found!
Fight them all, fight every one! They are lurking everywhere!
Is one over by the veil? Is one hiding over there?

SIRIUS:
Harry?

BELLATRIX:
Potter!

SIRIUS:
Why?

BELLATRIX:
DIE!

LUCIUS:
Harry Potter, today you’re going to die!

SIRIUS:
We'll save him.

LUPIN:
At least try.

DEATH EATERS:
Harry Potter, today you’re going to die!

ORDER MEMBERS:
Track down these Death Eaters, they must be caught!
Hunt out these killers and catch them!

DEATH EATERS:
Or not!

ORDER MEMBERS:
Too late they've preyed on us, but now we know
The servants of Lord Voldemort are here, deep down below.
They're here, the servants of the Dark Lord!

HARRY:
I never thought that I would see this much blood!
I've already seen more than anyone should…

LUCIUS:
Your fate, it condemns you to wallow in blood!
It's written in that ball, now give it, be good!
That ball-it's the reason the Dark Lord seeks you
That ball-it's why your mother's life is through,
That ball-I could say more if I only knew
Give it 'fore it's too late,
Give the secret to your fate
Or Lord Voldemort appears before your eyes!

HARRY:
The Dark Lord's face holds no horror for me now,
It's in his soul where the true distortion lies.

Bellatrix spots the Order Members

BELLATRIX:
Wait! Potter, I think we have some guests.
Well, this is indeed an unparalleled delight!
I had rather hoped that you would come,
And now my wish comes true--you have really made my night.

SIRIUS:
We'll stop you! Do what you like, we’ll just stop you! We have you cornered!

BELLATRIX:
My cousin tells a brash, foolish lie.
The Order's useless!

SIRIUS:
We'll catch you! We're Dumbledore's men!

TONKS:
And women!

LUPIN:
All right, Tonks, that, too.

LUCIUS:
If you fight against us, you'll only die!

Everyone starts dueling

HARRY:
Sirius? Sirius? Set him free, you!

BELLATRIX:
That, I can do!
Cousin, I bid you farewell
Did you think I wouldn't kill you?
Why should I treat you like part of our family?
You are just a traitor, I
Only laugh at your sad fate as you die!
Nothing can save you now!

SIRIUS:
Oh, you can do better!

BELLATRIX:
Nothing can save your life now.
I laugh at you as you die!

SIRIUS:
Don't you make me laugh!

BELLATRIX:
I will send you to your death!
Cousin, you'll die!
Cousin, goodbye!
Now, Stupefy!

Sirius falls behind the veil

SIRIUS:
*Plop*

HARRY:
The tears I shed for my godfather's fate
Aren't tears of grief, but tears of hate!
Bellatrix, I can never forgive you!

(The whole next part ALL HAPPENS AT THE SAME TIME!)

HARRY:
You did the unforgivable, now I do!
CRUCIO!

BELLATRIX:
You cannot hurt me with your spell,
You'll never know how it feels to want to kill!

HARRY:
Too late for turning back
Too late to save Sirius Black…

BELLATRIX:
I have killed him and his life is over!

LUCIUS:
Past all hope of cries for help, no hope in fighting!

HARRY:
I can't do this, but I can't let you win!

LUCIUS:
Whatever you do, we will always win!

HARRY:
How does it feel to be a slave?
To send a good man to his grave?

LUCIUS:
Just give in, it's too late to save him!

HARRY:
This is a nightmare!

LUCIUS:
Potter, will you ever learn?

HARRY:
This is not how he'd have chosen to go!


LUCIUS:
The final threshold!

BELLATRIX:
Why throw your life away for his sake?

HARRY:
Why do you curse mercy?

LUCIUS:
This is the final lesson you will learn!

HARRY:
I came here just to free him!

LUCIUS:
You'll die, it's too late to return!

BELLATRIX:
It sealed his fate, though! Aren’t we lucky…
Well, this is boring. Kill the boy.

(Enter Dumbledore)

DUMBLEDORE:
Pitiful servants of darkness,
What life and love have you known?
(He freezes) Harry, don't move, I'm afraid that we are not alone!

(Enter Voldemort)

VOLDEMORT:
Now I've got you, Potter, we're bound by pain!
You can't escape, for we're one and the same!
Too long you've triumphed, but now you can see

HARRY:
The boy and the Dark Lord are both part of me!
You are a monster! A murdering beast!
This pain! Kill me now!

VOLDEMORT:
I'm you, you are me!
And, Potter, you'll never be free!

He vanishes with Bellatrix

DUMBLEDORE:
Take this, a Portkey! Forget all of this!

HARRY:
Leave me alone.

DUMBLEDORE:
Wait in my office.
Go now! I'll come behind you!
Take this back! I have something I must tell.
The secret I've kept from you I must reveal.
Go! Go now! Go now and be free!

Harry goes back to the office

HARRY:
(Sadly) The D.A.! Our plans didn't work today.
The D.A.! We're destroyed, and the fault is only mine now.
DUMBLEDORE, I HATE YOU!

DUMBLEDORE:
You're angry with me, and for good reason.
Say you'll listen to me right now, though.
Say you'll hear what I've always kept from you.

HARRY:
Anything you say won't make it right! It's over now, the last hope of my life!

6. Child of The Prophecy (Learn To Be Lonely)
"Learn To Be Lonely" is only found in the film version, but I loved this song too much to leave it out. It also seemed quite appropriate!
DUMBLEDORE:
Child of the Prophecy
Born to James and Lily
Learn to be known as
He who fights the force of darkness.

Too much I cared for you.
Was even scared for you.
Learn to be known, and
Learn to be expected champion

You never dreamed
You played this role
Up until I told you
Yet I've always known
Your fate is set in stone.

Must kill or be killed, Harry.
Child of the prophecy.
Learn to be known as
The Boy Who Lived
Or as The Chosen One

Learn to be known as
Reason to cope
Our only hope… have fun!

7. Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again

HARRY:
Only you could understand me
Made me feel I mattered.
You were friend and father to me,
Then my world was shattered.

Wishing you were somehow here again
Wishing you were somehow near
Sometimes it seemed
If I just dreamed
Somehow you would be here.
Wishing I could hear your voice again.
Knowing that I never will.
Such an abrupt end
To your life, my friend.
Why do they have to kill?

Passing students laughing, talking
Breezes warm and gentle.
Seems to me improper mourning
For death so accidental.

Instrumental break

HARRY:
Life is so frail
Here-beyond the veil-
In the blink of an eye!

Wishing you were somehow here again
Knowing I must say 'goodbye.'
I can't let go
It's so hard to know
That people have to die!

Living memories
Holding back my tears
No more plans to make for our future years
Help me say goodbye
Sirius… I'll try…

[Schmergo]

Here's my High School musical spoof of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets.

HOGWARTS MUSICAL!

The Start of Something Bad (The Start of Something New)

Harry:
Living at the Dursleys
Didn’t understand
The goings-on at Hogwarts
Evil close at hand.

Ginny:
I hardly believed that
These things were done by me.
That I had opened the chamber.
Suddenly I could see.

Both:
Ohhh, I knew that something was wrong!

Ginny:
Yes, worse than this song!

Both:
And that’s saying a lot!
Yeah, it was the start
Of something bad
Thanks to a diary and Draco’s dad.
Woah-oh!
Kids who saw the Basilisk’s eyes
All got paralyzed, woah-oh
The start of something bad.

Harry:
Now, who’d ever thought that
This was done by Voldy’s soul?

Ginny:
And that killing Muggle-born kids
Was his evil goal?

Both:
Ohhh, I knew we were in deep poo.

Harry:
Especially you!
‘Cause you got possessed!

Both:
Yeah, it was the start
Of something bad
Thanks to a diary and Draco’s dad.
Woah-oh!
Kids who saw the Basilisk’s eyes
All got paralyzed, woah, oh
The start of something bad.

Harry:
I never knew that it could happen ,that you could get petrified! Oooh, yeah.

Ginny:
It was pretty darn bad!

Both:
Well, at least, no one died, YEEEEAAAH!
It was the start
Of something bad
Thanks to a diary and Draco’s dad.
Woah-oh!
Kids who saw the basilisk’s eyes
All got paralyzed, woah, oh
The start of something…
It was the start
Of something bad
Thanks to a diary and Draco’s dad
Woah-oah!
Kids who saw the basilisks’ eyes
All got paralyzed, woah, oh
The start of something bad.

Ginny:
I thought that I’d gone mad.

Both:
The start of something bad.



Get Your Head Out of the Way! (Getcha Head In the Game)
(Harry is playing Quidditch, with the slight diversion of a rogue Bludger that keeps trying to bash his brains out. Keeping his head out of the way would be a good strategy.)
Harry:
Wood said to fake right
And break left
Watch out for that Flint
And keep an eye on defense
Gotta fly the give and go
And take the snitch from Draco
But don't be afraid
To use the Wronski Feint
Keep your head out of the way
Keep your head out of the way

Everyone:
And don't be afraid
To use the Wronski Feint
Keep your head out of the way.

Harry:
You gotta
Keep it, keep it out of the way

Everyone:
You gotta keep it, keep it, keep your head out of the way
Harry: You gotta
Keep it, keep it out of the way

Everyone:
You gotta keep it, keep it, keep your head out of the way

Harry:
Let's make sure Slytherin doesn’t score
'Cause if they do, Lee will swear even more.

(Lee:
[CENSOOOORED!]

McGonagall:
JORDAN!)

Harry:
Merlin’s pants!
Gotta duck this ball.
Maybe this time
I won’t get clobbered and fall.

Wait a minute
This ball’s gone insane
Wait a minute
It’ll bash out my brain
Wait a minute
It’ll cause me great pain.
Wait a minute
Wait a minute

You gotta
Keep it, keep it out of the way

Everyone:
You gotta keep it, keep it, keep your head out of the way

Harry:
You gotta
Keep it, keep it out of the way

Everyone:
You gotta keep it, keep it, keep your head out of the way

Harry:
This has to be sabotage…
This ball’s stalking me every which way I dodge
Something here feels so wrong…
What is wrong with this?
Better shake this, yikes!

You gotta
Keep it, keep it out of the way
Everyone: You gotta keep it, keep it, keep your head out of the way

Harry:
You gotta
Keep it, keep it out of the way

Everyone:
You gotta keep it, keep it, keep your head out of the way

Harry:
I gotta keep it, keep it if I wanna stay in pl–THWONK.



What I’ve Been Looking For
(Ginny is becoming quite friendly with her new diary.)

Tom:
You’re perfect for me
And my evil deeds
And you were always there beside me.
I live in your book…
Why not take a look?
You’ll never know me till you’ve tried me.

Ginny:
Strange book with leather cover…
Now what could this be?

(She writes in it and discovers that it can write back)

Ginny:
I’ve never seen a diary
That does the things you do
The things you do.

Tom:
And I’ve never had a victim
As innocent as you!
No one like you!

Ginny:
So lonely before…
Tom:
(simultaneous with above) You’re easy to lure…

Both:
I finally found
What I’ve been looking for!

Ginny:
Glad you understand
It’s good to be heard
I’ll cherish every single word.

Tom:
So long hidden away,
So good to be found
Oh, yes, my evil schemes abound!

Ginny:
You’re like a seventh brother!
I want you to know…

Ginny:
I’ve never seen a diary
That does the things you do
The things you do.

Tom:
I’ve never had a victim
As innocent as you!
No one like you!

Ginny:
So lonely before…
Tom:
(simultaneous with above) You’re easy to lure…

Both:
I finally found
What I’ve been looking for!




That’s Not How I Planned To Go (Stick To The Status Quo)
(The Basilisk is making her rounds around the school to devastating effect.)

Colin:
Wow, I bet
That’s my best picture yet!
I love watching Harry Potter fly!
I’m enjoying my pictures

Basilisk:
But if you’d looked up quicker
You’d have known you’re about to die!
Howdy camera-boy, say ‘cheese!’

Colin:
Hey, don’t kill me, please!
No, no, no!
No, no, no!
That’s not how I planned to go!
If someone has to die
Or get petrified
Can it please not be I?

Basilisk:
No, no!
You’d taste good as sloppy joe.

(He gets petrified. The basilisk moves on to where Justin and Nick are talking.)

Justin:
That Potter’s whack
The guy tried to attack
Me with his crazy snake!

Nick:
That’s incredibly scary
And it isn’t like Harry.
Perhaps you made a mistake?

Basilisk:
Look right here, into my eyes!

Justin and Nick:
Holy shoo-fly pies!

Justin:
No, no, no!

Nick:
No, no, no!

Justin:
That’s not how I planned to go!

Nick:
Though I’m already dead
I’d hoped I’d lose my head
I don’t feel too dignified.

Justin:
Don’t want to be petrified!

(The Basilisk petrifies them, and moves on to where Hermione and Penelope are rounding a corner.)

Hermione:
Wow, I see!
I must go tell Harry.
There’s a basilisk right here in the school!
Don’t want to be snake candy
So this mirror is handy
Since getting killed just isn’t cool.

Penelope:
Oh my gosh, what is that thing?

Basilisk:
Well, I ain’t Martin Luther King!

Hermione:
No, no, no!

Penelope:
No, no, no!

Both
: That’s not how I planned to go!

Penelope:
Hey, I’m still young and pretty!

Hermione:
This death is really shi…mmery…

Penelope:
Don’t want my insides fried!

Basilisk:
Another two petrified!

(Ginny suddenly realizes that something is amiss)

Ginny:
This is not Harry’s fault!
I don’t know how I know…
But something inside me
Tells me it isn’t so…
Something is really…

Tom:
Everything’s great!

Ginny:
Really odd!
And I wonder why my hands are stained in blood?
What’s the matter!

Colin:
Gaaa, I’m dead!

Ginny:
Something must be up!
What’s the matter?

Nick:
My poor head!

Ginny:
Come on, Nick, shut up!
What’s the matter?

Hermione:
Hospital bed…

Everyone:
Kids were petrified!
Woah!
Frozen hard inside!
Woah!
Just as if they’d died!
Woah!

Ginny:
I wish they’d all be QUIET!

( Harry and Ron walk by, and everyone stares)

Harry:
Why’s everyone staring at you?

Ron:
Not me, you. They… they all think you’re the heir of Slytherin.

Harry:
What, because of dueling club? I can’t have people thinking that! I really can’t!

Everyone:
No, no, no!
No, no, no!

Harry:
I didn’t do it!

Everyone:
Did so!
Evidence is right there–
Says “Enemies, beware”
You must be the heir, woah, woah!
You are the culprit, you are the culprit, you are the culprit…

Harry:
No!


When There Was Tom and Me (When There Was Me and You)
(Ginny throws the diary into the toilet and sings about how she can’t believe she was wrong about Tom.)

Ginny:
It’s funny, how I feel so strange
So cold on the inside
I’m standing here
But last time I checked I was over there.
Why did I let myself believe
That someone really liked me?
I’m nobody, and I should know
I shouldn’t really care.

I thought Tom was a friend to me
He helped me through my weeping
He gave me tender words when I felt blue.
But I’m so dumb, I couldn’t tell
That he was evil, I just couldn’t see
When there was Tom and me.

I swore I knew him better than
Anybody else did
He made me smile, he made me feel
Like I, for once, belonged.
But then, I saw his true colours
And they were green and silver
I’m only left with thoughts of how
And when I had gone wrong.

Now I know he’s not a friend to me
My life’s what he was reaping
He made me do things I don’t like to do
And even though I know he’s bad
Why do I still miss how it used to be
When there was Tom and me

I can’t believe that I could be so blind
I mean, he possessed me!
He used me for evil!
Took over my mind!
But still, I was happy-y-y-y
I felt so good and free
When there was Tom and me.


Lair of the Heir (Bop to the Top.)
(Harry and Ron go on a quest down to the chamber to save Ginny.)

Harry:
Looking for the chamber…

Ron:
Looking for my sis.

Harry:
I never thought all the attacks
Would boil down to this!

Ron:
Into the girls’ bathroom
Which, by the way, is sick.

Harry:
Anything it takes to get down there and down there quick!

Both:
Look, the entrance is in here!

Ron:
Suddenly, I feel real squeamish

Harry:
Come on, have no fear!

Ron:
Are you kidding? Me afraid? Naww…

Both:
Yeah, we’re going down, down there
Down to the lair

Harry:
Slip and slide down this big chute thing
Open up!

Ron:
We won’t give up…
Oh gross… snake skin…

Both:
To the lair
Lair of the heir
Just around the corner

Harry:
Evil creatures, get us if you dare!

Ron:
Because we’re not scared!

Both:
To the lair!
Lair of the heir!
It’s over there!

Ron:
I’ve got the willies…

Harry:
Don’t be silly.

Ron:
Guess we’re lucky not to drown…

Harry:
I think that’s the right direction.
This is scary…

Ron:
Thank you, Harry!

Both: Yeah, we’re going down, down there
Down to the lair

Harry:
Wonder who that Slytherin is

Both:
Here we go
Down with the flow

Ron:
My nerves are shot.

Both:
Down, down there
Straight to the lair

Ron:
Hope things aren’t too gory.

Harry:
We’ll keep going, give ‘em all that’s there

Ron:
There

Harry:
There…

Both:
Till we reach the lair!
Lair of the heir!



She Can’t Take Her Eyes Off You (I Can’t Take My Eyes Off You)
(This song was cut from the film… but I needed a song for Tom to sing. Too bad I kind of hate this song… I had to listen to it a lot to write this spoof. It certainly brings new meaning to the phrase ‘phoenix song,’ in any case.)
Tom:
You never know what you’re gonna see.
You never saw it coming, that the heir was me.

Harry:
It never even crossed my mind,
That you were some kind of evil mastermind

Tom:
Don’t you know
I have been expecting you!
Did you know
What a memory could do?
How could you never notice
That I’ve been here all along?

(Enter Basilisk)

Tom:
She can’t take her eyes off of you, yeah
She’ll turn you into Potter stew.
She can’t take her eyes off of you
All it took . . . Was one look
Myrtle’s life was through!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah…

Harry:
I knew something bad was goin’ on…
But I don’t know why you did it, Tom.
Wasn’t Voldemort far after your time?

Tom:
You didn’t even see that I’m
Everything he was and is?
That I’m Lord Voldemort?

She can’t take her eyes off of you, yeah
She’ll turn you into Potter stew.
She can’t take her eyes off of you
All it took . . . Was one look
Myrtle’s life was through!

Fawkes:
(To Basilisk)
I’ll take those eyes off of you!
Oh, oh, oh yeah, oh, oh, oh
So let the music play
I’ll peck those eyes off of you!
Yeah, my song is getting stronger
And I never ever felt this way!

Basilisk:
Now I can’t see anything
With these eyes…Oh no!
Oh no, something’s happening
Cause everyone’s around but
There is nothing I can see!
I can’t feast my eyes on you!
Something’s up with my field of view.
I can’t feast my eyes on you!
What’s this part? Stabbed my heart?
Killed me, too!?
I’ll just sink my teeth… in… you…

(Basilisk dies. Harry stabs the diary, Fawkes cries on his injury, and he escapes with Ginny.)

Found the Heir (Breaking Free)
(They’re flying back out of the chamber with a little help from Fawkes.)

Harry:
We’re soaring, flying
We’re fancy free, we haven’t a single care

Ginny:
Without trying
We have found the heir.

Harry:
And now the school can see us
Once again for the people that we are

Ginny:
We’ve put the past behind us

Harry:
Nothing left but a scar.

Both:
Long story short, it’s Voldemort
He’s gone, so we don’t care!

Harry:
We’ve found the heir!

Ginny:
We’re soaring!

Harry:
Flying!

Both:
We’re fancy free, we haven’t a single care
Without trying
We have found the heir.

Harry:
The diary’s destroyed now
Riddle’s gone, he never did reach his goal

Ginny:
We’re safe now, you destroyed that
Fragment of his soul

Harry:
Of his soul…

Both:
We’re riding high, on phoenix wings
We’re floating in the air…

Harry:
We’ve found the heir!

Ginny:
We’re soaring!

Harry:
Flying!

Both:
We’re fancy free, we haven’t a single care
Without trying
We have found the heir.
Hunting, fighting
Journey was hard, but it wasn’t much to bear
When you consider
That we’ve found the heir!

Harry:
It took hope, it took faith

Ginny:
It took guts, it took strength
You had all of those fighting back there

Harry:
To defeat the Dark Lord
It took Fawkes and a sword

Ginny:
But you beat him, you scored!
Soaring!

Harry:
Flying!

Both:
We’re fancy free, we haven’t a single care
Without trying
We have found the heir.
Hunting, fighting
The journey was hard, but it wasn’t much to bear
When you consider
That we’ve found the heir!

Both:
And now the school can see us
Once again for the people that we are



We’re All In This Together
(The people who were petrified return, and everything is happy. HAPPY!...er... sorry...)

All:
Together, together
Together everyone!
Together, together!
Come on, the year is done!
Together, we’re there for
Each other every day!
Together, together
Our friends are back, hooray!

Harry:
Here and now, we’ve had a revelation
We’ve finally figured out, yeah, yeah
That Voldemort was Slytherin’s relation
That’s what it’s all about.

Ginny:
Now we know, we needn’t worry today
And now our friends are fine

Girls:
And now our friends are fine!

Ginny:
We should be glad that everybody’s okay!
We’re stronger, better combined!

All:
We’re all in this together!
We’re all glad this is done
Wasn’t fun
The attacks here
We’re all in this together
It was nobody’s fault
Slyth’rin’s vault
Opened by You-Know-Who

All: Together, together
Together everyone!
Together, together!
Come on, the year is done!
Together, we’re there for
Each other every day!
Together, together
Our friends are back, hooray!

(The previously petrified people run in)

Hermione:
We’re all here
And feeling good as new now
We’re happy to be back

Petrified people:
Happy to be back!

Hermione:
And Riddle’s gone
So life is really good again
Like before the attacks.

Ron:
You’re alive!
It’s great to see you back here
Gimme a hug… or a handshake works too…

All:
We’re all in this together!
We’re all glad this is done
Wasn’t fun
The attacks here
We’re all in this together
It was nobody’s fault
Slyth’rin’s vault
Opened by You-Know-Who

We’re all in this together
We’re alive
No one died
Homicidal freak is gone
We’re all in this together
Once we see
We’re all right
We unite and we sing this song.

Harry:
Hogwarts, sing along!
Come on, Hermy! Ginny! Ron!

Ron:
Yeah, Gryffindor House!
Glad we got that Slyth’rin louse!

All:
Hogwarts, everywhere!
Wave your hands up in the air!
That’s the way we do it
Let’s get to it
Time to show the world!

All:
We’re all in this together!
We’re all glad this is done
Wasn’t fun
The attacks here
We’re all in this together
It was nobody’s fault
Slyth’rin’s vault
Opened by You-Know-Who
We’re all in this together
We’re alive
No one died
Homicidal freak is gone
We’re all in this together
Once we see
We’re all right
We unite and we sing this song.
Hogwarts, sing along!
Come on, Hermy! Ginny! Ron!
Yeah, Gryffindor House!
Glad we got that Slytherin louse!

Hogwarts, everywhere!
Wave your hands up in the air!
That’s the way we do it
Let’s get to it
Come on, everyone!

[Schmergo]

WORKS IN PROGRESS:

HARRY-SPRAY

"Good Morning Voldemort"
Oh, oh, oh woke up today
With a new evil scheme on the way
Oh, oh, oh, hungry for revenge and killing sprees
I call the D.E.s!
The rats on the street
Are secretly Pete
No one will guess that he’s Pettigrew!
Oh, oh, oh, don’t make me wait
UNTIL THAT POTTER BRAT’S LIFE IS THROUGH!
Good morning, Voldemort!
Every day’s like an open door!
Every night is a killing spree
Every sound screams of agony!
Good morning, Voldemort!
I heard Snape just killed Dumbledore.
The world’s gonna wake up and see
Voldemort and me!


"Without Love"
Voldemort’s a selfish fool who never understood
Love’s the secret weapon of everyone who fights for good
Too many horcruxes made him what he is today
But with love, he’ll scream and writhe and possibly decay!
WITHOUT LOVE! Voldemort’s an evil old dictator.
WITHOUT LOVE! Voldemort’s as bald as a potater.
He thinks that he’ll live forever, but he’ll always have to be
Without lo-o-o-o-o-ove!
Dude, he’s dumber than Big D.
Dumber than Big D, oh, oh, yeah!

"You Can't Stop Lord V"
You can’t stop Lord Voldemort
As he swoops down on a broom
You can try to stop him, silly boy
But you’ll know you’ll meet your doom
And you can try to stop his Death Eaters
But you’ll just wet your Fruit of the Looms
‘Cause his head is balder than a monk’s
And his soul is split up into seven chunks
And nobody else who’s fought him is alive today
‘Cause you can’t stop Lord V!



And here's a spoof from my work in progress, WICKED! (It's to the tune of Popular.)

"Voldemort"
Voldemort! I'm gonna be Voldemort!
I'll learn all the proper ploys
To kill baby boys
Learn to swoop and snatch and pounce
I'm gonna give kids a scare
Have no nose or hair
But evil in quite large amounts
When I'm Voldemort!
I'm gonna be Voldemort!
I'll have armies of cohorts
They'll be Voldemort's
Death Eaters, my evil court
And nothing's gonna hold me
Back from being Voldy-mort!

[salthegemini]

Schmergo.....I think you have waaaaay too much free time..............


Other than that, these are really good...........I'd love to hear someone actually singing them.......

[Schmergo]

^_^

Your wish will be granted when the schoolyear starts... you can count on me to sing those! Whether you want to hear them or not!

Speaking of which, can you post your schedule in the 'my schedule' thread? I want to see if I have any of the same classes as you.

[salthegemini]

Will do!!!!!

[Schmergo]

Sing to the tune of "I'm a Believer"

SNAPE:
I'm the Half-blood prince, so just get over it!
Thought it was someone else? Surprise, it's me!
Voldy did not forget me.
That's just how it seemed.
Now I'll be rewarded beyond my dreams.
I'm Professor Snape!
And I'm a Death Eater!
And I'll escape
Back to You-Know-Who.
On the loose-YEEEAAAH!
I'm a Death Eater
Just like old Peter
Pettigrew.

Sing to the tune of the Mickey Mouse Club song:
Who's the leader of the cult that's made for you and me?
T-H-E-D-A-R-K-L-O-R-D
Voldemort, Voldemort!
So everybody raise the Dark Mark high (HIGH HIGH HIGH)
Come along, sing the song, and join the killing spree!
T-H-E-D-A-R-K-L-O-R-D!
Morrrrsmordre! Morrrrsmordre!
Yay, Voldemort!

And the song that Voldemort sings when he's flying without a broom in DH:
(I didn't write this one, but I thought it was funny.)

Think of the terror you've wrought, any happy little thought
Think of pain without reprieve, think of death and now we leave!
Like a vulture in the sky! You can fly, you can fly, you can fly!
Soon you'll zoom without a broom!
All it takes is hate, mistrust
But the thing that's a positive must is a little bit of blood lust!
Blood lust is a positive must! We can fly! We can fly! We can fly! We can fly!
When there's murder in your heart, there's no better time to start!
It's a very simple plan;
You can do what Potter can't!
At least it's worth a try! We can fly! We can fly! We can fly! We can fly!"

[notjustanymouselovescheese]

I have a vision of Bellatrix singing a version of "Little Goodbyes" (by SheDaisy) entitled "Unforgivable Lies." Any feedback?