Post by timtheenchanter on Jul 19, 2008 11:58:05 GMT -5
Hello there!
This is a bit of satire that I wrote last year, making fun of money, of all things. I actually adapted this little essay into a speech for the academic decathlon competition in February, and I was most surprised when I won the Silver Medal for it in my school's district.
Tim the Enchanter
Want to know what I hate? I really hate dollar bills and coins. Why? It's a mess! I'm at a store and I have to pay for something, like a $1.80 bag of chips, right? So I have to take out my wallet, open it, shuffle through the bits of paper to find one of the correct denomination, and hand it over. Of course, then I invariably get pennies and nickels back in change. So then I have zip open the change purse in my wallet, stick the coins in, and zip it close. And then, the cashier guy hands me a receipt, so I have to open my wallet again and stick another piece of paper inside before I stick my wallet back into my pocket! This whole exchange takes up about a minute of my precious time, and frankly, I am sick and tired of it!
But what can I do? We definitely need a quicker and more efficient way to purchase things, but how? Here's my radical proposal for a complete overhaul of the U.S. currency.
The new currency will be based on little bits of metal. Lead, to be specific. These new lead coins won't be round and flat, but cylindrical, with a pointy end and a flat end. All of these pieces of lead will be coated in a thin sheet of copper to give it a nice shiny look. Anyway, the value of each of these new lead coins is determined by the diameter, with one cent for each millimeter. For instance, a 9mm coin will be worth 9 cents.
But what to call this new coin? I dub it, a "bullet." But how do you use these "bullet" coins? After all, they are just as clumsy and awkward to put in a change purse. The use of these "bullet" coins requires a radically new and efficient metal wallet, which I call a "gun." What you do is you pull out the "magazine" of the "gun," which is the part that you stack your "bullet" coins in. Let's say the "magazine" can hold twenty 9mm coins, so now you have $1.80 of easily accessible cash. You then push the "magazine" back into your "gun" wallet. The "gun" wallet is uniquely shaped, sort of like a sideways "L," so when you stick the long end in your pocket, the handle sticks out, allowing for easy retrieval.
What do you do with this gun wallet? I mean, now it is an even bigger hassle paying for a bag of chips! You have to pull out the gun, then remove the magazine, and then take out the 20 bullet coins needed to pay for the chips. Inconvenient? Stupid? NO! Because that's not how it works! Attached to your gun wallet is a little lever called a "trigger." When you pull the "trigger" of your "gun" wallet, one "bullet" coin is ejected from the front of the wallet at high velocity. Amazing!
So, back to that bag of chips. It costs $1.80, right? What do you know, you have that exact amount in your "gun" wallet! So, how do you pay for the bag of chips? EASY! Just point your gun wallet at the cashier guy, and pull the trigger! BINGO! You just paid 9 cents! Pull the trigger a second time... and then a third time... and then a fourth time... and just keep pulling the trigger until you've paid the $1.80 with 20, 9mm bullet coins. There! Quick, clean, and efficient currency transfer!
But what if you're buying something worth more than $1.80? SIMPLE! Just stock up on magazines for your gun wallet. Each magazine holds $1.80, so if you walk around with five magazines, you can buy 9 bucks worth of stuff! Empty one magazine of bullet coins at the cashier guy, then remove it, insert another one, and just repeat!
However, if you want to be really ambitious, you can just use larger bullet coins, since their value is determined by their diameter. My currency proposal includes a new circulation bullet coin that is an amazing 30 millimeters in diameter! That's 30 cents right there! But this coin is too big for ordinary gun wallets. It needs a rather special gun wallet called the GAU-8 Avenger. Catchy! Anyway, this wallet has SEVEN barrels! SEVEN barrels spinning round and round to deliver 65 bullet coins a SECOND! And let me just say that you can carry 1,350 "bullet" coins in just ONE of this wallet's magazines! So, with the GAU-8 Avenger wallet, you can buy that $1.80 bag of chips with only six 30mm bullet coins in only .0923 SECONDS! That's what I call quick and efficient!
Going even further, larger denomination "bullet" coins will cease to be "bullets." Instead, larger diameter coins will be called "rocket," "missile," and "bomb" coins. These larger denomination coins will require larger wallets for convenient delivery, called "tanks" and "bombers."
So that's my proposal for the overhaul of the U.S. currency system. With these bullet coins, we can pay for merchandise in record time. No more fumbling for loose change and dollar bills! The era of traditional currency will be over! This radical change in our currency will not only bring a radical change to business as we know it, but it'll change our vocabulary too! No longer will be "purchase" things; we will instead "rob" things! This shorter and faster word of only three letters and one syllable conveys the mood of the exciting new age of fast-paced currency transfer! I hope this new age comes soon!
Do you?
This is a bit of satire that I wrote last year, making fun of money, of all things. I actually adapted this little essay into a speech for the academic decathlon competition in February, and I was most surprised when I won the Silver Medal for it in my school's district.
Tim the Enchanter
HIGH VELOCITY CURRENCY
Want to know what I hate? I really hate dollar bills and coins. Why? It's a mess! I'm at a store and I have to pay for something, like a $1.80 bag of chips, right? So I have to take out my wallet, open it, shuffle through the bits of paper to find one of the correct denomination, and hand it over. Of course, then I invariably get pennies and nickels back in change. So then I have zip open the change purse in my wallet, stick the coins in, and zip it close. And then, the cashier guy hands me a receipt, so I have to open my wallet again and stick another piece of paper inside before I stick my wallet back into my pocket! This whole exchange takes up about a minute of my precious time, and frankly, I am sick and tired of it!
But what can I do? We definitely need a quicker and more efficient way to purchase things, but how? Here's my radical proposal for a complete overhaul of the U.S. currency.
The new currency will be based on little bits of metal. Lead, to be specific. These new lead coins won't be round and flat, but cylindrical, with a pointy end and a flat end. All of these pieces of lead will be coated in a thin sheet of copper to give it a nice shiny look. Anyway, the value of each of these new lead coins is determined by the diameter, with one cent for each millimeter. For instance, a 9mm coin will be worth 9 cents.
But what to call this new coin? I dub it, a "bullet." But how do you use these "bullet" coins? After all, they are just as clumsy and awkward to put in a change purse. The use of these "bullet" coins requires a radically new and efficient metal wallet, which I call a "gun." What you do is you pull out the "magazine" of the "gun," which is the part that you stack your "bullet" coins in. Let's say the "magazine" can hold twenty 9mm coins, so now you have $1.80 of easily accessible cash. You then push the "magazine" back into your "gun" wallet. The "gun" wallet is uniquely shaped, sort of like a sideways "L," so when you stick the long end in your pocket, the handle sticks out, allowing for easy retrieval.
What do you do with this gun wallet? I mean, now it is an even bigger hassle paying for a bag of chips! You have to pull out the gun, then remove the magazine, and then take out the 20 bullet coins needed to pay for the chips. Inconvenient? Stupid? NO! Because that's not how it works! Attached to your gun wallet is a little lever called a "trigger." When you pull the "trigger" of your "gun" wallet, one "bullet" coin is ejected from the front of the wallet at high velocity. Amazing!
So, back to that bag of chips. It costs $1.80, right? What do you know, you have that exact amount in your "gun" wallet! So, how do you pay for the bag of chips? EASY! Just point your gun wallet at the cashier guy, and pull the trigger! BINGO! You just paid 9 cents! Pull the trigger a second time... and then a third time... and then a fourth time... and just keep pulling the trigger until you've paid the $1.80 with 20, 9mm bullet coins. There! Quick, clean, and efficient currency transfer!
But what if you're buying something worth more than $1.80? SIMPLE! Just stock up on magazines for your gun wallet. Each magazine holds $1.80, so if you walk around with five magazines, you can buy 9 bucks worth of stuff! Empty one magazine of bullet coins at the cashier guy, then remove it, insert another one, and just repeat!
However, if you want to be really ambitious, you can just use larger bullet coins, since their value is determined by their diameter. My currency proposal includes a new circulation bullet coin that is an amazing 30 millimeters in diameter! That's 30 cents right there! But this coin is too big for ordinary gun wallets. It needs a rather special gun wallet called the GAU-8 Avenger. Catchy! Anyway, this wallet has SEVEN barrels! SEVEN barrels spinning round and round to deliver 65 bullet coins a SECOND! And let me just say that you can carry 1,350 "bullet" coins in just ONE of this wallet's magazines! So, with the GAU-8 Avenger wallet, you can buy that $1.80 bag of chips with only six 30mm bullet coins in only .0923 SECONDS! That's what I call quick and efficient!
Going even further, larger denomination "bullet" coins will cease to be "bullets." Instead, larger diameter coins will be called "rocket," "missile," and "bomb" coins. These larger denomination coins will require larger wallets for convenient delivery, called "tanks" and "bombers."
So that's my proposal for the overhaul of the U.S. currency system. With these bullet coins, we can pay for merchandise in record time. No more fumbling for loose change and dollar bills! The era of traditional currency will be over! This radical change in our currency will not only bring a radical change to business as we know it, but it'll change our vocabulary too! No longer will be "purchase" things; we will instead "rob" things! This shorter and faster word of only three letters and one syllable conveys the mood of the exciting new age of fast-paced currency transfer! I hope this new age comes soon!
Do you?
