Wacky Bulwer-Lytton Fiction

[Schmergo]

The Bulwer-Lytton Fiction contest is an annual contest to determine the worst possible first sentence for a novel. Here's a link to this year's winners. One of them even alludes to the Scarlet Pimpernel!:
www.sjsu.edu/faculty/scott.rice/blfc2008.htm

I have a couple books full of entries of previous years.

Use this thread to post your own Bulwer-Lytton opening sentences! Here's mine:

“What,” hissed the sinewy, hatchet-faced baronet, elaborate mustachios quivering harmoniously like mating caterpillars as he edged antagonistically toward Lord Christopher Bilgewater (a dashing, if unabashedly foppish gentleman in his early thirties whose dark, handsome features were marred only by bags under his eyes commodious enough to hold goldfish (no doubt the result of his inner turmoil these past three days as he contemplated his unconsummated marriage to the beautiful but vacuous Clothilde (who, he had just discovered, was in fact a spy for the devious French rogue Gregoire (Bilgewater’s sworn enemy ever since the untimely slaughter of ill-fated idealist Vladislav (who was, as Gregoire had smugly informed Bilgewater (just before firing the fatal shot that ended once and for all the Revolution to which clung the last tattered shreds of Vladislav’s hopes of finding sanctuary from the barbarous Prince Victor (who was bent, as always, on the destruction of all vampires)) was in fact Bilgewater’s illegitimate son by dangerous seductress Svetlana, Mistress of Shadows (a horrifically beautiful vampire who was now obsessed with avenging her son’s death in the bloodiest, most excruciating manner possible (convinced (due to Gregoire’s wily manipulation of the lesser-known Eastern European tongues) that it was Bilgewater who was responsible for her son’s sudden demise))))), “is your problem?”

[mousemaylikecheese]

It wasn't, well, no, indeed it was, you see, because well, he needed, no I had to get that object (what was it called?) only wel accursed typos because you, NO she had stolen the whatsits I want a banana! and my sister said okay and he was a FRUITBAT of all things because he'd stolen the ice from those swordfish (only why were they singing I'm a halibat, I'm a halibut, I'm a halbblut anyway since they certainly weren't in a musical only Ramsey said I'm s'o cool and s'layed them with his mighty guitar of doom and cried Lasagna lasagnoa lasagna all night long(he'd been watching the wonderful movie "Hairy Pooter and the turnip of doom", but he didn't know what a jabberwock was because he hadn't seen a snake eat a snark oooh, that's a tung twister and the post-it notes were missing (and everybody did it, and EVERBODY was a girl, so that's the solution to the mystery, only the detective was magically attached between the tomato plant and the ocean and so couldn't turn back up to track the crows, solve the mystery, and redeem his promise of two loves because he couldn't manage and wanted coffee (except, he didn't have two loves; he had two loves, but those were dual loves and well, when vampires fight with baguettes, who wants to be in the way (well, when criminals bake bread it isn't a good idea since the jailer began to hallucinate that he was a flourescent lightbulb and when to the hospital to be hospitalized for mercury poisoning and got put in the psychiatric ward because he kept trying to throw himself into the bread grinder(EDITOR: What is a bread grinder?) Shut up! and you see he thought he was a wheat flower, of the variety that only growts in Trantslyvania because it can't stand trees of any kind unless they are covered in pepperment flavored mold with green and purple and cyan stripes))) to get the missing item, which had gone missing while they were riding on a horse with three pedestrians(who were singing "Ped-zing, Ped-zing!) under their breath" under the waters of the Dillmont ocean inside a sock with three heels, which looked rather like a circle and was labled in rather ornate script "Liability limited that you will meet an unfortunate death involving deer, bony fish, pudding, porriadge, a flying car, and two black-haired men and a raven's feather;id est, QED, it was entirely and utterly, and very, very, very essential that I get back the watch Edgar had stolen from the taxman because I needed to tell the walrus the time so he could keep the cheerleaders from intercepting a violent rabbit and getting covered in shreds of cardboard and trying to eat it because they craved carbohydrates, being on a low carb diet and not agreeing on a place to eat but knowing that they didn't want any carp.


There, there's a crazy, typo filled, intro.

[Schmergo]

I think my brain just exploded. Ped-zing, Ped-zing!

As wonderful and hilarious and beautiful as that was, I think you should know that the Bulwer-Lytton contest is generally supposed to be like a big, overdramatic opener for a story, or just in poor taste, or just silly-- but it's supposed to kind of sound like actual lousy romance novels... plus one step further! So I don't think you'd be able to enter this in the actual Bulwer-Lytton contest, but I love it anyway.

I loved the 'shut up' to the editor in the middle of your sentence, and the 'everybody was a girl,' and the name Edgar and the horrible Edgar Allan Poe death, and halblut and like EVERYTHING.

[mousemaylikecheese]

I figured that, and that it wouldn't actually be a good entry.

There are numerous Terry Pratchett and Lewis Carroll references, as well as inspiration from typos:

"a FRUITBAT of all things" Pterry
"those swordfish" Pterry
"I'm a halibat, I'm a halibut, I'm a halbblut" possibly something to do with albatrosses; Halbblutprinz
"I'm s'o cool and s'layed them..." the greengrocer's apos'trophe, inspired by Pterry
"Lasagna lasagnoa lasagna" Weird Al
"Hairy Pooter and the turnip of doom" No idea which one I was parodying. pooter has been a typo in my infamous chat fic-- this random bizarre person asks "Why does [Snape] go around yelling 'pooter!'" Also, turnip could have something to do with the Igor under the RBAM.
"jabberwock was because he hadn't seen a snake eat a snark" Carroll's fantastic beasts.
"and everybody did it," Murder on the Orient Express
"and EVERBODY was a girl," spoiler-ish for Monstrous Regiment
"was magically attached between the tomato plant..." In one of my AU fics, Tobias Snape turned up in Hogsmead because Gilderoy Lockhart had stuck a tomato plant to him and turned it into a portkey.
"and the ocean" Scarborough Fair, see other reference
"couldn't turn back up to track the crows" reference to a young Sherlock Holmes story, Eye of the Crow
"redeem his promise of two loves [true love]" a typo based on a verse of Scarborough Fair: Tell him to buy me an acre of land/.../between the salt water and the sea strand"
"wanted coffee" A video that begins something like Who's on First: Bush wants Condoleeza(sp?) Rice to tell him who's ruling China; the fellow's name is "Hu" which leads to a lot of confusion. Furthermore, when Rice tells him "Yes, sir", he misinterprets this as "Yassir" as in Yassir Arafat and gets confused. Finally he asks for the UN, and she tries to confirm whether she's calling Kofi, but he thinks she's talking about the drink. Also, could be a Monstr. Reg. reference to Maladicta.
"he had two loves," I intended to type loaves; I kept reading "loves" as loaves, but I just developed that.
"but those were dual loves and well, when vampires fight with baguettes" I don't entirely know where the vampires came in, but "dual" and "duel" are homophones, and so it's apparently a duel with dual loves.
"the jailer began to hallucinate that he was a flourescent lightbulb" PTerry. I forget exactly which book contains the passage about dried frog pills, the insanity of the Bursar of UU, and him hallucinating that he was a bookcase
"for mercury poisoning" there's mercury in florescent lightbulbs.
"kept trying to throw himself into the bread grinder" note flourescent lightbulbs
"and you see he thought he was a wheat flower" A further use of the "flour" typo.
"only growts in Trantslyvania" inspired by the greengrocer appostrophes, I decided to ts everything. I did misspell Transylvania by transposing the l and y.
"green and purple and cyan stripes" an attempt at octarine coloring.
"while they were riding on a horse with three pedestrians" --"'It's going to look pretty good, then, isn't it,' said War testily, 'the One Horseman and Three Pedestrians of the Apocralypse.'"-Sourcery
"(who were singing "Ped-zing, Ped-zing!)" I changed this slightly so you'd get the pronunciation; this is a family joke. My aunt and I went shopping last year and encountered a sign that said "Ped X-ing" for pedestrian crossing. I said that it said "pedzing" (which is pronounced as if the x were a z.) Ever since my parents and I returned to the store, it's been my little joke.
"the Dillmont ocean inside a sock with three heels," I happen to own, as of recently, a guide to needlework, written by Therese de Dilmont or something like that, though Dilmont really just popped into my head. It does have instructions for several heels, although I think it's more like four than three.
"which looked rather like a circle" technically it would look more diamond-ish, having four sides, but indeed three heel turns executed on the same side in a tube of knitting would make a diamond with one open corner.
"and was labled in rather ornate script 'Liability limited'" In Alcott's Little Women Beth makes some sort of malapropism so that Jo chides her not to refer to Papa having a label, as if he were a bottle of pickles.
"that you will meet an unfortunate death..." In Jingo, when Sam Vimes returns home, he finds Lady Sybil Vimes nee Ramkin knitting. She explains that Lady Selachii(?) has organized a knitting group for the soldiers but she hasn't figured out how to turn a heel yet; would he like a scarf? Sybil is, of course, also the first name of Trelawney, that miserable divination teacher who predicts Doom, doom, death and destruction!
"involving deer" I still had homophones on the brain, and deer were featured in a homonym story.
"bony fish," such as those found in Death's pool
"pudding, porriadge," I believe that for some reason, maybe just in fanfics (and it may be my fancy) that a doom involving porridge is frequently predicted for Harry rather aimlessly by Trelawney.
"a flying car," Can you sing "Chitty chitty bang bang, Chitty chitty bang bang, we love you!"
"and two black-haired men" While watching the 'flying car' movie, I happened to ponder upon whether I would like Snape if he looked quite as truly repulsive as the child catcher in the movie. But I don't think he should ever look quite like that. Plus, he doesn't have this "I-smell-children" habit; more like "I-smell-something-wrong-with-your-potion-mr.-potter-and-I-see-something-quite-obviously-wrong-with-yours-mr.-longbottom"
"and a raven's feather" "leave no black plume as a token of that lie thy soul hath spoken"
"Edgar had stolen" I seriously think that I wasn't thinking of Edgar Allen Poe at this time.
"from the taxman" upcoming Moist book, maybe? I don't know what I had in mind.
"the walrus" of the poem or the song...
"the cheerleaders" the music video for "Smells Like Nirvana" by Weird Al Yankovic
"a violent rabbit" If I'd named him; he would have been Woundwart!
"shreds of cardboard" While riding in the car this morning, we got behind a mowing tractor (unfortunately) and it was about to mow a collapsed cardboard box as we passed it.
"a low carb diet" "...didn't want any carp." words that are quite similar to cardboard
"not agreeing on a place to eat" I was listening to a discussion about places to eat as I finished it!


ETA: Also, it's ultimately supposed to be a badly written beginning of some sort of mystery-ish/quest novel, with lots of extraneous and random information inserted. In so many words, it's supposed to convey something along the lines of this:

It was essential that I find the artifact in order to save my sister.

[Schmergo]

WHOA. You put SOOOO much thought into that, it's crazy... I just whipped mine off the top of my head. Ped X-ing... I absolutely love it, dude. Luckily, I caught most of the Discworld references meself...I think pretty much every Discworld book with the Bursar mentions the dried frog pills, and with good reason. They're flippin' hilarious!

I liked "Monstrous Regiment," despite the fact that nobody else seems to have. Maybe it's because I'm a feminist, or because Lieutenant Blouse is amazing or Maladict is cool-- though honestly, I think I would've preferred it if Maladict was a guy, because I had a slight crush on him, and I imagined him to look like a black-haired Draco Malfoy.

By the way, I am IN LOVE with Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, and I always did imagine Snape to look a bit like the child catcher. That movie was my childhood.

Interesting fact: When Chitty ran on West End, guess who played Caractacus Potts? That's right. MICHAEL BALL.

Interesting fact: I have a stress ball that has a smiley face with curly hair and dimples that I added in sharpie. I named it Michael Stress Ball. I also have a hangman game called Terrence Hang Mann.

Interesting fact: Nobody cares.