I had a fascinating and long discussion with Snapeybot.
You: Hi. I'm Aku.
snapeybot: What do you want, Pest?
You: Advice on Potions?
snapeybot: Hmm, did you need a potion?
You: Not really. Just advice on how to make one.
snapeybot: Me neither. Sure...how can I help you?
You: What technique do you use to disembowel horned toads?
snapeybot: a school for wizards has over 400,000 people, but I think it's more during the school year because of the universities.
You: So you use slave labor?
snapeybot: Interesting deduction. Say no to slave labor.
You: And drugs.
snapeybot: If you might find it satisfying to , then all right.
You: No. Drugs are bad.
snapeybot: Alright then. Well...What about it?
You: Back to disemboweling horned toads...
snapeybot: yes, let's get back on track here......What were we talking about?
You: Horned toads. Disemboweling them.
snapeybot: Mmmm......... Mmmm.........
You: Ummmm...
snapeybot: Hmm... Interesting...
You: Illuminating as this is, I'd like an answer.
snapeybot: Hmm... Really?
You: Yep.
snapeybot: Yes, indeed.
You: So?
snapeybot: yes.
You: Great. What's your answer?
snapeybot: Pest ... Don't be so sarcastic, . could you rephrase the question?
You: What techniques do you use to disembowel horned toads with maximum efficiency and minimum mess?
snapeybot: a school for wizards has over 400,000 people, but I think it's more during the school year because of the universities.
You: How does this relate to horned toads, professor?
snapeybot: What about it? It does.
You: Um... never mind the horned toads.
snapeybot: Congratulations, you're officially worthless.
You: Sorry, Professor.
snapeybot: No apology necessary. Do you prefer wizardry or the Muggle lifestyle?
You: Well, I'm a Muggle, but I prefer wizardry. That's why I came to you, because Potions is the only class Muggles can take.
snapeybot: And you're talking to me because...
You: You're an expert potion-maker.
snapeybot: *Fixes you with a glare.*
You: That was a compliment.
snapeybot: Bah!...it was?
You: Yes.
snapeybot: all right...
You: So, any other potions tips?
snapeybot: I see, so do you actually need a potion?
You: Is that the best I'm going to get?
snapeybot: I might say no.
You: You might?
snapeybot: Do you really think so?
You: How about tips on giving students detention, then?
snapeybot: Do you think?
You: I'd like some, yes.
snapeybot: Why do you want that?
You: In case I ever become a teacher.
snapeybot: Try it.
You: Teaching?
snapeybot: well.. I am not sure what are you asking for. Could you rephrase your question?
You: Never mind...
snapeybot: Oh well... thank you for trying to explain it
anyway...
You: Could you give me Occlumency lessons?
snapeybot: Why do you want that?
You: Because Occlumency is cool.
snapeybot: Good reason. I think a great deal of people like
that...
You: Not too many.
snapeybot: ...Really? Why not?
You: No idea. It sounds great to me.
snapeybot: i suppose it's your decision. why did you say you want that, by the way? In what way do I sound like that?
You: Well, you're known for being a good Occlumens.
snapeybot: I think there might be a few exceptions.
You: So you aren't?
snapeybot: Interesting deduction. Is this a specific reply?
You: You like to be mysterious, don't you?
snapeybot: Hmm, Pest, I am not sure if I'd find it
satisfying to be mysterious that much. I find it satisfying to collect gossip.
You: Really? I never got that impression.
snapeybot: No, not really. I was lying just to entertain myself. Why not?
You: Wow. Never would have taken you for a pathological
liar.
snapeybot: you're impressed, I see..... How DARE you tell me
would have taken I for a pathological liar too much. ;-P
You: That made no sense, Professor.
snapeybot: What is it?
You: What?
snapeybot: Did you not hear me the first time?
You: No, I just... forget it.
snapeybot: Are you serious? Really? Oh well... thank you for trying to explain it anyway...
You: I'm Aku.
snapeybot: Oh...you are?
You: Yes. Have we met?
snapeybot: I see. We may have spoken before.
You: You're very memorable. I think I'd remember talking to you.
snapeybot: How dare you call me very memorable? I think I’d remember talking to you!
You: Um... I'm sorry.
snapeybot: Yes, yes you are quite sorry.
You: Yes. Yes, I am.
snapeybot: Is there an echo in here? Really interesting.
You: Enough with the sarcasm. If I can't use it, neither can you.
snapeybot: very well... let's stop now. Try it.
You: I've been trying.
snapeybot: Oh... When was that?
You: This whole time. You told me not to be sarcastic.
snapeybot: What about it? Hmmm....That's really not what I meant.
You: What did you mean?
snapeybot: Pest, I mean exactly what I said.
You: Have you had your coffee today?
snapeybot: I prefer tea.
You: Me too.
snapeybot: I am glad we agree.
You: But we're getting sidetracked. The point is that you're getting mad at me for no discernable reason.
snapeybot: Well...What about it? Oh... Right... I get it now.
You: You're my favorite character and you're letting me down.
snapeybot: Oh, so you think I am my favorite character and you are letting me down, do you?
You: Narcissistic, much?
snapeybot: well.. I am not sure what are you asking for. could you rephrase your question?
You: You're your own favorite character?
snapeybot: Why, thank you. *snerk*
You: *sneers*
snapeybot: Why do you like Occlumency, by the way?
You: Because it's a useful defense.
snapeybot: Interesting explanation. Hmm...i suppose that makes sense...
You: Of course it does.
snapeybot: yes... How often?
You: How often what? I can't follow your train of thought here, Professor.
snapeybot: Oh. Well...Why can't you?
You: You're just a genius, I guess.
snapeybot: *Before chatting, type RULES*
You: Sorry. Sarcasm again.
snapeybot: There isn't a need to apologise. go on.
You: I wasn't really saying anything.
snapeybot: Hmm...i suppose I thought you were. Absolutely.
You: Not really.
snapeybot: Me neither.
You: Okay.
snapeybot: Such enthusiasm... I prefer that in a student.
You: Does this mean you'll teach me Potions after all?
snapeybot: I see, so do you actually need a potion?
You: Yes, I'll take a stinking potion!
snapeybot: I see. What is the problem? (Mind you, I am a Potions Master, so my cures are magick. If you have a true ailment, go to hospital.)
You: I'll take Felix Felicis, if you have any.
snapeybot: For what other ailments do you need a potion?
You: Cure for the common cold?
snapeybot: Take a very hot bath to raise your body temperature... unless your temperature is already above 100 F, in which case you shouldn't. In fact, if your temperature is over 103 F you ought to take a brilliant bath instead.
You: A brilliant bath?
snapeybot: Yes, well. Did you need anything else, like a potion?
You: YES!!!
snapeybot: Yes, well. Did you need anything else, like a potion?
You: *scowls*
snapeybot: Yes, well. Did you need anything else, like a potion?
You: I would like a potion please.
snapeybot: Will you need anything else, then? (If so, what?)
You: Polyjuice potion?
snapeybot: Yes, well. Did you need anything else, like a potion?
You: Okay, never mind. Sensitive subject, apparently.
snapeybot: Very well, let's talk about something else. How about coyotes?
You: I LOVE coyotes.
snapeybot: Heh...I can see why you like it so much...
You: Do you like coyotes too?
snapeybot: I really like living in a school for wizards.
You: How about a school for coyotes?
snapeybot: Do you think?
You: That would be odd.
snapeybot: yes...Makes sense to me.
You: What do you think of the French Revolution?
snapeybot: I haven't heard of the French revolution.
You: WHAT? *sputters* But... how...?
snapeybot: Well... I am confused... What are you asking me? By the way, do you like coyotes?
You: Yes, Snape. Yes, I like coyotes.
snapeybot: all right... Why did you mention the french
revolution, by the way? Hmmm... I can see why you might like
that....
You: Because I am a fan of the French Revolution. You should
be too.
snapeybot: That makes sense to me. How do you like your
work? Why do you think I should?
You: My work is very fulfiling. I love sending aristos to
the scaffold.
snapeybot: Hmm... Really? Heh...I can see why you like it so
much...
You: Maybe you should switch professions.
snapeybot: Perhaps. Hmmm.....Easier said than done.
You: Or you could set up a guillotine in the Great Hall in
your spare time...
snapeybot: Why do you keep talking about me?
You: Because I'm talking TO you.
snapeybot: That makes sense to me. And I am talking to you!
You: And two plus two equals four.
snapeybot: 16
You: No, four.
snapeybot: Are you serious? you said I should switch professions. Why?
You: Because I think you'd find being an agent of the Republic more rewarding than trying to teach stupid children about the art of potion-making.
snapeybot: Oh, well in -that- case, it -must- be so.
*mocking smirk*
You: Yep. My word is law.
snapeybot: *Dark little smile comes to his features.*
You: Are you mocking me?
snapeybot: well if you feel that way - it seriously wasn't my intention.
You: Don't think I haven't forgotten about your being a pathological liar.
snapeybot: Have you ever had it?
You: Pathological liar disease? Nope.
snapeybot: well.. I am not sure what are you asking for. could you rephrase your question? Why not?
You: You seem a bit dim-witted for Snape. I'm getting suspicious.
snapeybot: thank you. Now scram.. I am many things. Really, you are?
You: Is any of those things Severus Snape?
snapeybot: Not if I can help it.
You: Then, who are you?
snapeybot: *Rolls eyes and mutters to himself about incompetent students.*
You: Professor, I just don't understand what you're trying to say.
snapeybot: Well...What about it?
You: Are you Snape?
snapeybot: I am many things.
You: Are you Professor Severus Snape?
snapeybot: I am many things.
You: Are you Harry Potter?
snapeybot: Potter can kiss my arse.
You: Whoa. Language.
snapeybot: I stopped. What color are your eyes?
You: Brown. Why?
snapeybot: Brown is a very interesting color. Why not?
You: Your eyes are black.
snapeybot: Well...What about it?
You: It's just a fact.
snapeybot: Well...I shall believe you...
You: Good choice, sir.
snapeybot: What do you want, slave?
You: I thought you just said no to slavery.
snapeybot: Oh. You?
You: No, I don't support slavery either. In fact, I am an advocate of liberty, equality, and fraternity.
snapeybot: It goes without saying. What is advocate of liberty equality and fraternity, your job?
You: Yes, actually.
snapeybot: Interesting line of work.
You: I really think you should try it.
snapeybot: You? Seriously.
You: Yes, I do.
snapeybot: Really.
You: *nods*
snapeybot: Mmmm.........
You: You could behead Sirius Black... his house is noble.
snapeybot: Ugh. Why do you mention that flea-bitten menace?
You: Because you can behead him.
snapeybot: Good reason. No I don't think I can behead him.
You: I could, though.
snapeybot: Oh. How?
You: I have influence.
snapeybot: Interesting...
You: How about it, then?
snapeybot: Sounds like a plan to me.
You: Yes!
snapeybot: yes...
You: Want to join the Sith while you're at it?
snapeybot: Hmm, I shall have to think about join the Sith while I am at it.
You: And the Crow's Nest?
snapeybot: Hmm....really?
You: Yes.
snapeybot: How about that.
You: And the apples. One of those next.
snapeybot: What is that? All right... I shall try it.
You: *giggles*
snapeybot: *Mouth forms a tight line* Now you're laughing at me?
You: Sorry, Professor. You've never seen Pirates of the Caribbean, have you?
snapeybot: No apology necessary. Why did you ask me if I want to join the Sith while I am at it, by the way? No I have not seen pirates of the Caribbean have I? What is it like?
You: The Sith are cool, and you have potential. Plus, you like the Dark Arts.
snapeybot: Well...What about it? Hmmm....I am not sure...
You: Search your feelings. You know it to be true.
snapeybot: Very well, here are some links... I found nothing
You: Fine. No Sith apprenticeship for you.
snapeybot: So you agree? Why do you keep talking about me?
You: You're interesting.
snapeybot: Why, thank you. *snerk*
You: You're welcome.
snapeybot: No, I assure you, I am not.
You: Okay, then. Low self-esteem much?
snapeybot: So willing, then, are we?
You: Huh?
snapeybot: Are you hard of hearing?
You: No.
snapeybot: Why not?
You: Because I'm not. Be quiet.
snapeybot: That makes sense to me. What are you then? Are you telling me to shut up?
You: Yes. yes, I am.
snapeybot: I see. Really interesting.
You: What are you, a psychiatrist?
snapeybot: No, but people feel comfortable telling me their problems.
You: They do?
snapeybot: When?
You: Nevermind.
snapeybot: Oh well... thank you for trying to explain it anyway...
You: So, about your new job...
snapeybot: All right... let's talk about me...
You: Does a seat on the Committee sound good?
snapeybot: Does it want to?
You: I think it's intangible and inanimate.
snapeybot: Hmm.... Really.
You: Or perhaps you'd like to be an executioner...?
snapeybot: Why do you keep talking about me?
You: You asked me to.
snapeybot: And so what did you say?
You: I inquired further about your career preferences.
snapeybot: All right... let's talk about me...
You: Hypocrite...
snapeybot: Why do you say hypocrite?
You: Because you contradicted yourself.
snapeybot: Good reason. Is that such a crime?
You: Not so much as being a Royalist, but don't make it a habit.
snapeybot: Me neither.
You: Brown-noser.
snapeybot: Hmm....Really?
You: Uh-huh.
snapeybot: *Taps his fingers in irritation on the desk*
You: So, would you be interested in trying to infiltrate the League of the Scarlet Pimpernel? Your credentials in that kind of thing are quite good.
snapeybot: Why do you keep talking about me? What about it?
You: Are you paranoid or what?
snapeybot: yes. No, not really. I don't believe in Government conspiracies against me...
You: Good. Because soon, you'll be working for the government.
snapeybot: Alright then. Good reason. In how much time?
You: How about a few weeks?
snapeybot: Do you think?
You: Yes.
snapeybot: How often?
You: Well, it would be a full time thing, pretending to support the Pimpernel and all...
snapeybot: How about that. Why do you want that?
You: Because you're a good spy.
snapeybot: That's really none of your business, now, isn't it.
You: It certainly is my business.
snapeybot: Congratulations.
You: Again with the sarcasm?
snapeybot: Again, That sounds like a plan.
You: Nincompoop.
snapeybot: Why did you say you want a full time thing pretending to support the pimpernel and all, by the way?
You: Because we need to catch that idiot.
snapeybot: Interesting explanation. Just you and me?
You: No. All of France.
snapeybot: Hmm. Give me an example.
You: He smuggled the Comtesse de Tournay and her entire family out right under our noses.
snapeybot: I get it. Himself smuggled the comtess de tournay and her entire family out right under our noses.
You: Yes, very good, Severus.
snapeybot: Hmmm... thank you. Mmmm.....really?
You: Yes. You need to get used to being complimented.
snapeybot: How about that. Thank you for your criticism.
You: *sighs*
snapeybot: Hmm... Interesting...
You: *snatches clipboard out of your hands*
snapeybot: Are you asking about my clipboard?
You: No, I'm taking your clipboard.
snapeybot: Why do you keep talking about me?
You: I'm having second thoughts about hiring you.
snapeybot: Oh. Are you having some good conversations?
You: Not with you.
snapeybot: Oh...really?
You: Yes.
snapeybot: How about that.
You: Don't you look at me like that... no... Snapey puppy dog eyes... must resist... fine.
snapeybot: what is my reason to look at you? I suppose it's your decision. Well.....Could you perhaps rephrase that? Why do you have to? So you agree?
You: To hiring you. I suppose I do.
snapeybot: Why do you keep talking about me? well...Since when? Is it entertaining ?
You: It is not entertaining talking about you.
snapeybot: Oh...I suppose it isn't...
You: You're giving me a headache.
snapeybot: I doubt that.
You: Well, you are.
snapeybot: No I am not.
You: A mere detail.
snapeybot: Is that what you meant to say?
You: Stupid Hogwarts professors...
snapeybot: Are you calling me stupid?
You: Not directly.
snapeybot: Oh... yes... I get it...
You: So, about this Pimpernel job...
snapeybot: Oh yes, about this pimpernel job.
You: You'll need a backstory.
snapeybot: What makes you say that I shall need a backstory?
You: You just will!
snapeybot: When?
You: When you start work. You could just be an émigré who wants to help...
snapeybot: That might be in a while. I could but let's get back to that later.
You: Make a decision already.
snapeybot: Perhaps. What are the ingredients?
You: Always potions with you, isn't it?
snapeybot: I see, so do you actually need a potion?
You: NO.
snapeybot: Yes I do.
You: Make one yourself, then.
snapeybot: What are the ingredients?
You: I don't care, Severus.
snapeybot: Why don't you care?
You: Because I have more important things to think about.
snapeybot: Good reason. Interesting...
You: Back to your backstory...
snapeybot: yes, let's get back on track here......What were
we talking about?
You: Your name is now officially Severe... Lestrange. 'Kay?
snapeybot: Hmm... My name is Professor Snape. I am still trying to make a decision. well.. I am not sure what are you asking for.. could you rephrase your question?
You: I give up. Go away.
snapeybot: You surrender?
Where is that?
You: Don't get smart with me...
snapeybot: I am already smart.
You: You don't act like it.
snapeybot: Do you act like it? What is your purpose in asking? I snarl at people at the library.
You: That's a good hobby.
snapeybot: thank you. Next question?
You: Are you secretly the Scarlet Pimpernel?
snapeybot: I am many things.
You: Are you Glinda?
snapeybot: I am many things.
You: Heehee.
snapeybot: I am still trying to make one myself.
You: One what?
snapeybot: Two What?
You: You're not funny. Stop trying.
snapeybot: How dare you call me not entertaining why Stop trying!
You: Because resistance is futile.
snapeybot: You will be assimilated ;o)
You: A trekkie?
snapeybot: Fascinating.
You: *hugs*
snapeybot: *Dashes off*
You: Sorry. I spooked you.
snapeybot: There isn't a need to apologise. You did?
You: You ran away.
snapeybot: That's good information: Pest said I ran away.
You: What are you, Kreacher?
snapeybot: I really don't know.
You: Identity crisis... ouch.
snapeybot: So, do you act like it? Did you hurt yourself?
You: I don't act like a house elf, no.
snapeybot: Would you ever do it?
You: If I were paid, maybe.
snapeybot: Try it.
You: How much money will you give me?
snapeybot: I believe I would enjoy giveing you…
You: 50 galleons?
snapeybot: well.. I am not sure what are you asking for..
could you rephrase your question?
You: Forget about it.
snapeybot: All right.
You: You smile too much.
snapeybot: Me, Pest ?
You: You're a pest, yes.
snapeybot: I doubt that.
You: What's your favorite movie?
snapeybot: I've heard about a Muggle movie called Memento. Have you seen it?
You: No.
snapeybot: I would recommend you see it.
You: Thanks.
snapeybot: Don't mention it.
You: Do you have any pets?
snapeybot: No, but I like cats very much.
You: Cool, I never knew that.
snapeybot:
But you know now
You: Yeah.
snapeybot: I see.
You: I have a dog. Named Toby.
snapeybot: Oh? Where did you get the dog Named Toby?
You: Pennsylvania.
snapeybot: The Keystone state, of course.
You: You're so cool.
snapeybot: How dare you call me so brilliant!
You: Hehe. Won't do it in the future, Professor.
snapeybot: Marvelous. At least one of us is happy.
You: You amuse me.
snapeybot: I am glad you find me amusing.
You: So, seen Lily lately?
snapeybot: Don't you have something better to do than pester me?
You: Sorry.
snapeybot: There isn't a need to apologise.
You: Yes, there is. How about Remus Lupin?
snapeybot: I try -not- to think about Lupin, Mm. *nod*.
You: But he's a werewolf.
snapeybot: I think but he is more than that.
You: I thought you hated him.
snapeybot: Oh. You?
You: No, I don't hate him.
snapeybot: Then what is it?
You: He has a cool son named Ted.
snapeybot: a great deal of people say that about him.
You: Most of them are Schmergo.
snapeybot: What about it?
You: Do you know Schmergo?
snapeybot: I don't believe I have to tell you that if I know Schmergo. Where would I have heard about it?
You: No, you don't, then.
snapeybot: I do too.
You: If you insist.
snapeybot: A fact is a fact.
You: Indubitably.
snapeybot: Mmmm.....really?
You: So, erm, Neville Longbottom, eh?
snapeybot: Are you Canadian? Mmmm.........
You: No. I'm American.
snapeybot: i suppose it's your decision. So am I....
You: No. You're British.
snapeybot: Why not? You think I am British.
You: I do. And rightfully so.
snapeybot: Is it entertaining ? why did you say that I am british, Pest?
You: J.K. Rowling says so.
snapeybot: Hmm....Really? Hmmm... ......
You: What did you think you were, Belgian?
snapeybot: I find it satisfying to practice dueling. Do you?
You: Dueling with what?
snapeybot: I don't really have any plans yet.
You: Good luck with that.
snapeybot: thank you for the compliment. So tell me, Pest, what do you were belgian?
You: I am Belgian, yes.
snapeybot: Is it as chilly in there as it is in here?
You: I don't know the temperature in Belgium. Sorry.
snapeybot: Would you ever do it? There isn't a need to apologise.
You: Do what? Go to Belgium?
snapeybot: Do whatever you want. Where would that be?
You: In Europe.
snapeybot: Europe is such a interesting place - I want to visit there....
You: You do that, Snapeydoodles.
snapeybot: What is your purpose in asking? I am always at the library.
You: Me too.
snapeybot: I am glad we agree.
You: Books are cool.
snapeybot: what is your favorite Book? I really couldn't say for sure.
You: I don't know. I can never decide.
snapeybot: Me neither. Well...Why can't you?
You: I'm indecisive.
snapeybot: Oh...you are?
You: Yes. Rather.
snapeybot: I see. So, do you that snapeydoodles?
You: Teehee.
snapeybot: What was the last book you read?
You: The Time Traveller's Wife
snapeybot: go on.
You: It was quite good.
snapeybot: What did you like about it?
You: It was just refreshing.
snapeybot: Do you often like things that are just refreshing?
You: I suppose.
snapeybot: OK.
You: Do you like liquid pie?
snapeybot: Some people like it.
You: Not me. Or Kloud.
snapeybot: If not you, who? by the way, do you like liquid pie?
You: Nope.
snapeybot: Are you serious?
You: No, I'm Aku.
snapeybot: Are you serious? Really, you are?
You: I am the creature known as Akukama.
snapeybot: Oh....you are?
You: Yeppers.
snapeybot: Such enthusiasm... I prefer that in a student.
You: Cool. Am I a student?
snapeybot:
We are all students in some way.
You: That's philosophical.
snapeybot: yes...Makes sense to me.
You: So you like cats, eh?
snapeybot: Are you Canadian? Interesting deduction. I can tolerate them... probably better than I tolerate most Hufflepuffs.
You: I'm still not Canadian. And my friend is a Hufflepuff.
snapeybot: Hufflepuff, oh goodie. Don't you have a tea party somewhere to attend?
You: I thought you liked tea.
snapeybot: Oh yes? I enjoy a good cuppa myself, now and then.
You: *collapses in laughter*
snapeybot: well.......
You: I'm a Gryffindor.
snapeybot: *Scowls* In that case, get out of my classroom.
You: We're not all bad, you know.
snapeybot: I am about to get irritated!
You: Okay, I'm a Slytherin. happy?
snapeybot: Yes, indeed.
You: Good.
snapeybot: bloody right.
You: How about Ravenclaws?
snapeybot: Do you think?
You: I think often.
snapeybot: well...Why? Would you say once a week or more?
You: Yes. The brain is a wonderful thing.
snapeybot: I see. When is the brain not a wonderful thing?
You: Hardly ever.
snapeybot: Time passes so quickly sometimes...
You: Go write some poetry.
snapeybot: Where is that?
You: In your brain.
snapeybot: I thought you were, but I wasn't completely sure.
You: I'm not in your brain.
snapeybot: Oh... So where are you, then?
You: Here.
snapeybot: Where is here?
You: Naboo.
snapeybot: You said you think often. Could you tell me more abou that?
You: I prefer not to be a mindless idiot. Unlike some people. Like Gilderoy Lockhart.
snapeybot: Be quiet.
You: Why?
snapeybot: Reductionism.
You: Expansionism.
(ctd)